March 24, 2005
Had Neressa for the day. That was a real treat last minute.
Of course we just had to bake cookies so Neressa decided that we should make peanut butter, chocolate chip cookies which turned out awesome.
Had some fun with paints too!
Was a nice day!! :)
Sunday, March 26, 2006
March 26, 2005
I'm so excited!
Why, you ask?
I'm going to San Francisco!! Finally get to meet Fig in person and we are meeting in SF! Booked my flight for April 22nd. Just can't wait. Fig has all these wonderful places we are going to go. Lots of great restaurants (so much for diets). She's been there lots so knows the ins and outs. It will be wonderful to get to meet her and spend the time with her and see a city I've always wanted to visit.
And more news!
Bob and Linda have gotten engaged and are getting married June 10th. We are all so happy for Bob. Linda is wonderful and he's gotten himself a great lady. Wished I could say the same for her. *grin* Of course I can. Bob has a huge heart and will do good by her. They make a great couple and, as you can see in the picture, couldn't be happier. It's so nice to be around them. Looking forward to the wedding!
Went to David's last night. Bob and Linda brought Shadow over there for us to visit. I think Shadow misses Michael! We sure do miss her. That's been hard, not having her around all the time.
We had a nice dinner and a great visit. Wasn't feeling all that good later in the evening though, so we were home early. Developed a wicked headache. Not sure what that was from but I think it could of been from coughing to much. Was in bed by 10. Feel much better this morning.
San Francisco here I come!!!!! :)
Monday, March 27, 2006
March 27, 2006
I have a very interesting day. Spent some time with some 2nd year (almost 3rd year) nursing students today. Telling my story about living with cancer and answering their questions. They really seemed to appreciate what I had to say and my coming in and talking with them. That alone tells me that they will be good nurses. :)
It also made me see, once again, what living with cancer is all about. It's sharing and helping others to understand what it means to face death, disease and the whole living and dying process. It really is a journey that encompasses so many people beyond the one with the cancer. I hope that I really did help them in some way. That makes my journey worthwhile. :)
We talked about the hospice process and how I felt about that. It's something that I haven't written about before and have kind of ignored up to this point. I'm so glad they asked me as it's a important aspect of having cancer. How do I feel about knowing it could get to the point where I can't look after myself, that others will have to do it for me? To be honest, that's why I've ignored it. It's the part of the progression of cancer that I really don't want to face. I hate the fact that one day someone may have to change my diapers, or wash me, feed me, do all those things that we take for granted. To be honest, I pray that it doesn't come to that for me. That the cancer will go somewhere that will take me very quickly. Fact is though, that's a reality. It could happen that I will need to be looked after. I don't like to think about that to much. One thing I have always said, I want to die at home. Now, after all the reading I've done and the support group that I've been chatting with, I know that might be impossible. I've told Michael, if it gets to hard, don't hesitate to take me somewhere if he needs to. It could become a tremendous burden on a lot of people to try to handle at home. So, yes, if need be, take me to the hospital or hospice and I deal with that. I would rather do that than know in my mind, even if I can't verbalize it, that I've become a lot of work for people.
So, thank you to those nursing students!! This is an important aspect of this journey and you've helped me to verbalize that part of the disease before I get to that point. Good question and keep up the good work!! :) Hugs to you all!
Pen,
As a former hospice nurse I can tell you not all patients die not being able to handle their own personal needs. Many times hospice patients go to sleep and don't wake up.
Glad to here that these students offered you some support, Alex
Rechelle said...
I would like to thank-you again for taking the time to come talk to us nursing students. it is so important to get real life experinces. i know that all of us are going to be better nurses because of your story. thank-you. you seem like such an amazing person. so strong. your attitude towards your cancer is so postive that you can honestly forget that you are "sick". Its such an honour to see someone finding a bright light at the end of every tunnel. i hope that you have a great trip to San Fran. Smile lots and take loads of pictures. Thank-you again for sharing your stroy.
Rechelle Lerch 2nd yr nursing student.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
March 30, 2006
Feeling Lost
Have had a "blah" week. Just feeling lost again. Not sure what is the cause but part of it is trying to make decisions for the future. I find that really hard. Trying to think too far in advance really puts a damper on me. Right now, a month or 2 is about all I can think about.
Yet, we need to make some decisions. Time to buy something again, I think. The apartment has done it's job and allowed us to do the things we (I) wanted to do but now the things that are missing is having roots laid down. Time to do that again. I think I will feel better if we have someplace as "home" and that Michael will have that once I'm gone. Even if he doesn't stay there, at least its home for a period of time that he needs it to be. It will also allow us to get Shadow back and that's a big one.
And, the more I think about taking off during the summer the less I can really believe that we will be able to do that. If all is well, it will give us the summer to make something new our home. Besides, we can always take a vacation for a couple of weeks, maybe an Alaskan cruise in there somewhere.
So very frustrating, all of it. :(
The planner in me coming out I guess. Frig! LOL Trying to keep from planning to much. LOL
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
April 4, 2004
Missing Work, Treating Cancer
Nothing new these days. Just felt like it was time to write and then I'm sitting here, not sure of what I want to say.
Feel like things are just plugging along. Life goes on and the living keep living. So I guess that is a good thing.
I was asked if I felt like I was treating my cancer aggressively and/or should I be? Not sure I can answer that question. I think in my way, I am dealing with it aggressively as I'm not just going to lay down and let it take over. At least that was my resolve to do so. Though, I'd have to say, lately it feels like I've done just that. Not that I've really laid down and let it take over but more that there isn't concrete things that I can do to fight it right now. For me, the fight now is more mental and staying positive and "up" even when I don't always feel great. Yet, if I was given the option to do something more concrete, I'm not sure I would take that option. To do more chemo would mean that I'm not so free to come and go and see people as I want, either because I'm too ill or because my white count is to low. For me, that's not an option. I want to see people, do things. Yet again, I look at what I do and it seems that I get tired very easily and can only manage to do a little each day. Not sure if that is mental or physical. I do know that by the time Michael is home from work, it's all I have to make a meal and spend time with him. For us to go out is really tough for me. I just don't seem to have it in me to do. Yet, I can't seem to get to sleep early either. When I lay down, I can almost guarantee that I'll start coughing and have to get up again so I wait to have that coughing episode, then I'll go to bed. Then I feel like I don't want to disturb Michael so I stay up waiting for it to stop completely and of course, it never does. Just the way it is.
Now, I say to myself, is it the cancer making me feel this way? Or from the chemo? Or due to the extra weight? (I think I'm still gaining weight though I've stopped weighing myself as it does depress me so it's better for me to ignore it for now, mentally.) Or am I having the blues and is that what is wearing me down? Then maybe it's a little of everything.
Then there are things happening where I worked that I know, if I was doing better, I'd be able to correct, help with, solve, or at least use my knowledge that I once had to give it a good try. I just don't feel like I can deal with it mentally yet a part of me wants to be in there taking charge and say, okay, this is what we need to do to fix it, this is how we can go about doing it so lets get after it and get it done! Yet, I've been gone so long that I don't know if I really could do it anymore. Makes me tired just thinking about doing it. hehehehehe
On top of all of that, I really do miss working. I miss the people that worked with me, around me, the everyday support we all gave each other and the camaraderie we had. We really had a good team put together there and I miss being part of that team. I miss seeing people grow as they delved into new areas and learned new skills. I miss being a part of helping them do that. I miss being a part of the management team and all the goals and visions we had. I miss being a part of the challenges that they are facing, and so wish I could do my part to get through those challenges. Now that is what is rewarding for me. Boy, do I miss it...........
No one said that living with Cancer would be an easy journey, did they? :)
Thursday, April 06, 2006
April 6, 2006 #2 - The b*tching continues
Okay, after some conversations through email I just gotta say:
Why is it that our government, who has raised taxes on tobacco products, in an attempt to deter people from smoking, hasn't taken that extra money and spent it on lung cancer research?
Could it be because, for the most part, people who develop lung cancer are older, in retirement or close to retirement. Why spend money on people who are soon to become a drain to our government coffers? IE: pensions, health care. If they happen to die a little earlier, than hey, we save a whole pile of money don't we.
Why is it that even though tobacco is the most addictive drug out there, our government continues to support the sale of it by not making it illegal?
Could it be that they just make to much money on the taxes so how would they replace those funds if they made that drug illegal?
How come the tobacco companies (if their product is the cause of lung cancer as we are told), aren't forced to put 1/2 the profits back into society in the form of lung cancer research? Wouldn't that benefit them in the long run? More people alive means more people smoking, means more money for them, means more money for research, means.................
Sure, there is a lot of hoopla lately about lung cancer in "non smokers" due to the recent death of Dana Reeves. Of course, non smokers didn't ask for this disease, correct?
I would love to see all tobacco products made illegal and put in the same class as other addictive drugs such as crack, meth, heroin. Do this, not for me, but for my granddaughters, so that they never have to know the power of tobacco and run the risk of lung cancer.
We send this message to our children, don't smoke, it will kill you, yet we continue to sell the products, in essence, contradicting everything we tell them. Where is the logic in that I say?
B*tch of the day continued............
April 6, 2006
Bitching........
I have been seeing so many ads and information on Breast cancer and started thinking. Oh Oh. Don't let her think! hehehehe
Just started making me angry as there is so much information, money raised and funds being used for breast cancer treatments and cures that I'm wondering why the focus on that cancer is so high when there are other cancers that have such a higher mortality rate than breast cancer?
Stats that I pull from the Canadian Cancer Society site:
Breast cancer: For women, breast cancer remains the most frequently occurring cancer in Alberta. In 2005, an estimated 1,950 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer and 430 will die from it.
Me: Out of all the people that are diagnosed 430 will die from it!! A very low mortality rate.
Lung cancer: Lung cancer, the most preventable of all human cancers, continues to be the leading cause of cancer death in Alberta for both men and women. In 2005, an estimated 1,660 people (850 men; 810 women) will be diagnosed with lung cancer and 1,410 people (740 men; 670 women) will die from it.
Me: Out of all the people that are diagnosed 1410 will die from it!! What a difference. A very high mortality rate.
And yet, there are very few strides made towards the cure of lung cancer. Not near the publicity or fund raising that goes on for this type of cancer. From my reading it is the only cancer that has not gained inroads to it's cure rate at all. Could it be because the people that get this type of Cancer are predominately smokers? Do we have the attitude that "Well, they brought it on themselves because they smoked?" Even the CCS stats state: "the most preventable of all human cancers". So lets just ignore it and eventually as we have less and less smokers, this cancer will go away. So much for those of us that have it and want to live now!
Don't get me wrong, I truly believe that any type of cancer deserves the best possible treatment that can be found. I just don't get why Lung Cancer, being one of the top killers in our society, isn't getting the funding and research it should be.
Could it also be because people who get lung cancer do not live long enough to fight for the funds to research? Their energy is spent on fighting the disease from the time of DX to death. Leaving no time to fight for research and fund raising? Then I have my chat with myself and say, well, you did smoke, so maybe you have no right to make these comments, maybe it is something you brought onto yourself so live with it and quite whining........
So, that's my b*tch for the day today. :)
Friday, April 07, 2006
April 7, 2006
Some interesting facts on the funding for Lung Cancer:
http://www.alcase.org/facing/facts.html
This is a US based organization and the facts are from the US but I'm sure we would find the same type of funding rates in Canada.
Following is a Canadian based organization for lung cancer:
http://www.lungcancercanada.ca/index.html
I will post as I find more information from our own government.
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
April 11, 2006- Stats on Lung Cancer
Okay, here I go again. After watching another newscast on cancer where lung cancer got a whole one liner, I've finally sat down and written to my MP, MLA, the PM and Global TV who did the news articale on cancer.
Here is what I wrote for those who might be interested. Feel free to skip it as it is long and very windy. I just kept going and going, like the Energizer Bunny. :)
Could it be my anger coming out at getting this disease? Maybe so. Even so, I think I bring up some good questions. I will state, they aren't all from me, they are questions I've borrowed from others that I've discussed this with too. :)
Here goes:
I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer in May of 2005 and completed treatment in September, 2005.
I have found it extremely hard to find information on the funding breakdown for Cancer Research in Canada. Will you please provide me with this information and/or where I can find this information. Thank you.
During my research I have come across a number of concerns and questions that I would like to share with you as my MP.
I cannot seem to find information on the breakdown of funding in Canada but I'm afraid that it would probably be pretty close to what I have found in the US: (as a side note, why is it so hard to find information like this in Canada? We seems to be much more secretive about where our funds are going.)
"National Cancer Institute (NCI): In 1971, President Nixon and Congress declared a War on Cancer. At that time, lung cancer was the leading cause of cancer death—it still is today.
Funding for NCI grewfrom $400 million per year in 1971 to $4.78 billion in 2005. Most major cancers have benefited withincreasingly high five-year survival rates.
The underfunding of lung cancer research has kept its survival rate almost as low as it was in 1971.
Department of Defense (DOD): In 1992, Congress started funding cancer research programs at DOD.From 1992 to 2004, DOD funding for breast cancer research totaled $1.66 billion. An additional $150million has been appropriated for 2005. Prostate cancer research totaled $565 million from 1997-2004.Another $85 million has been appropriated for 2005.
Lung cancer research received only $33 million from 1999 to 2004,with just $2.1 million appropriated for 2005.
Centers for Disease Control (CDC): Congress also earmarks funding within CDC forspecific cancers. The 2005 budget includes $204 million for breast and cervical cancer research,$14 million for prostate cancer research, and $14.6 million for colon cancer research
The 2005 budget includes $0 for lung cancer research."
This truly disgusts me. Again, I would suspect we would find the same information for Canada and the research funds here. I hope I am wrong.
What I have come to learn is that Lung cancer has one of the highest mortality rate of all the cancers and is one of the leading causes of death in Alberta and Canada. I question the statement that is so often heard; Lung Cancer, the most preventable of all the cancers. Yet, though the number of smokers have declined over the years, the instances of lung cancers has increased.
If lung cancer is the most preventable of all the cancers and the cause of lung cancer is smoking, then why do we continue to sell tobacco products? These products should be placed in the same category as we place crack, smack, cocaine, and all other illegal and addicting drugs. Nicotine is the most addictive of them all. How can we teach our children that smoking kills and yet our governments continue to condone the sale of this killer? How much of the tax dollars that are collected on the sale of tobacco actually goes towards the research for a cure for lung cancer?
We hear all the research and funding going into Breast Cancer day in and day out. We are bombarded with ads, commercials, etc, to raise funds for this cancer, a cancer that has one of the highest survival rate of all the cancers. Why is this? Why such a disparity of funding dollars for research between the lowest survival rate and the highest?
The statement that lung cancer is the most preventable cancer, it makes one wonder if the attitude out there is that "smokers" bring it on themselves so they deserve this disease. You only will hear of it when it strikes a "non smoker". And, again, tobacco products should be made illegal or by prescription only.
Is it because most people who are diagnosed with lung cancer are older, closer to retirement age and closer to becoming a "burden" to the government coffers by collecting CPP, old age pension, free health care, such as it is. If we increased the survival rate of this cancer, we would have all those people that go on to receiving those funds and we as a government just can't afford this??
Is it because people who are diagnosed with lung cancer have, in most cases, a small window of life left and all their energies are spend on fighting and living with this disease for the time they have left? Who is left to fight for us once we are gone to ensure this cancer cannot kill our children, our grandchildren and those yet to come?
Why is it that we have yet to find a way to detect this cancer early in order to increase the survival rates? This is the big question! Where are the funds to find the answer to this question? I believe that is the key. We have been shown this by all the research that has gone on for other types of cancer. Early detection is the key to increased survival! Until a cure is found, we must also focus on earlier detection of lung cancer.
I sat here this evening watching a local TV station do a news article on Cancer in Alberta and, again, the focus was on breast cancer where they stated 430 would die this year in Alberta and 1400 of lung cancer. Lung cancer was given a one liner during this newscast: "Lung cancer will be the leading cause of cancer deaths for both sexes in 2006, killing about 1,400 Albertans, but lung cancer is the most preventable of all cancers." Again, why is that? One line for the biggest killer of them all!
We have done nothing over the years to raise the survival rate for this type of cancer. Absolutely nothing. Can you tell me why?
Makes me sad, very sad, for my children and grandchildren who, unless something is done, chances are they too will have to face this disease down the road.
Sincerely,
Penny XXXXXX
DX: Small Cell Lung Cancer, May 2005 after 1 year of searching for an answer
Age when diagnosed: 47
Chemo started: July 2, 2005
Chemo completed: Sept 30, 2005
Radiation: 1 week prior to Christmas Day
Survival expectation: 12 - 14 months from DX.
Currently: Living with cancer as it slowly kills me
Penny & Michael 
Happier days........ :)
Thursday, April 13, 2006
April 13, 2006
Just got some great news! Tanya, my daughter, is number 1 for her production stats where she is working and she hasn't even gotten out of what they call nesting yet. (Nesting is like the learning time period of the job.)
Anyway, I'm very proud of her and they know she wants to move up so all eyes are on her. She should be in management and will be soon I think. She's destined for it. :)
Smiling today...................
Sunday, April 16, 2006
April 12, 2006
My Answer to Questions Asked
Just some questions I've been asked, along with my answers. Thought it might help someone else who may wonder the same things. :)
Do you get scared or angry and is this based on the fact that you don't want to go yet, or the hurt that will be created by your going?
I have all those feelings at one time or other, except for fear. I have yet to feel that about dying. I do get scared about the thought of being in pain once the cancer gets really bad. I'm terrible with pain so that part scares me. For me, the hardest part is worrying about those I leave behind as they are the ones that will really suffer. Michael, my children, my sisters and parents. I get angry because they don't deserve to have to grieve. So, the anger is for them, not for me.
Someone asked me if I ever asked, "Why me?" and if I ever got an answer to that question. My answer was, Yes and Yes. I believe I was allowed to get this disease because I could handle it. God never allows more to happen than you can handle. Of all my family, I think it is me that can deal with the idea of leaving early the best. I just seem to have a peace about it.
Not that I don't have my tears, I do. Especially when I think of the ones closest to me. I think, Kylie will not remember me, she's just to young to have real memories down the road. I will miss seeing Neressa and Kylie grow up. I'll miss seeing my son have children. I'll miss spending time with my children and their families. I'll miss spending our "old age" together for Michael and I. Those are the things that make me sad. I'll miss spending time with my sisters and sharing their joys and sorrows. I'll miss having my parents worry about me. :) Well, I guess I won't really miss any of those things. Miss isn't the word I guess but I think you understand.
What is it you need most from the people around you now? What do you think people around you need from you now?
From most people, I need them to stay "normal". To continue on with life as it is, to keep living and not dwell on the dying aspect of this cancer. I often tell people, ask me anything as I'll tell you as much as I can at the moment. I think everyone needs something different from me and I try to take my cues from them. Some want to talk about it, some want to pretend it's not there for the most part. So many people are scared to talk to people that are dying - and yes, we are all dying, but I know that you know what I mean.
Do you need to talk about your going with those around you?
A lot of people don't want to hear about dying. Some people refuse to even consider the idea. They says it's not going to happen. Michael and I do joke about it a lot. It seems to make it easier for people when they see us do that. It also opens the topic up to talk about too. Michael said he is going to get another Goldie after I go and call her Penny, so for Christmas I bought him a stuffed puppy from build a bear and put my voice in it and called it Penny. I told him the other night that I was making him a budget to follow after I was gone. He killed himself laughing! :)
When I stop to think about it, I probably bring it up more than the people around me but mostly in a practical sense. Something will pop in my head that I want someone to do or I want to pass onto someone. Then, I sat down and planned my funeral with Michael. We have also paid for it already. I wanted that done so that, during such a tough time, no one had to worry about a lot of it.
Do you find people treat you differently once they know your time is limited?
A lot of people have disappeared and that saddens me. I think it's really hard for some people to be around someone who they know is dying even though, right now, I look pretty healthy. Also, it's been almost a year since I received the news and life really does go on. People get busy with their own lives, that's just the way it is. I don't hold it against them, just makes me sad as I do miss them being in my life. You really do find who the real friends are. And I'm actually surprised by some. Some who I thought would stay close didn't and others came out of the woodwork and have become a great support. You just never know who will do what. I would have to say, otherwise, most people that are around me a lot have fallen back into being themselves, especially now that my hair has grown back and you don't really see a sick Penny.
A lady I know told me this today about her mother in law dying - she asked her what she was going to do without their constant and interesting conversations. The mother in law answered: " you talk, I will listen". I loved that.
Michael often tells me that; I don't know what I'm going to do when you are gone. My sister said that the other day. I didn't have words for her at the time and that was hard.
I know that I want to kick something at times, and I am not the one with cancer......... and I know that I actively look for the "normal" button that seems totally elusive most of the time.
While I was going through treatment, things were not normal, couldn't be, but after it was all done, I found it was easier to forget about the cancer. Days would go by without thinking about it at all. So it will get better and things will find their way to being a new normal for you.
Monday, April 17, 2006
April 17, 2006
Tough night last night. The coughing woke me around 2:30 and I was up until 4:00 am. Finally fell asleep on our recliner until 5, then again until 6. Went back to bed about 7 and woke up at 9. Not a good night.
Have been just feeling really drained these days too. We went to look at a truck and a couple of trailers but I just can't see spending that money for something that I just don't know if I'll be up to doing in a couple of months. So I think I'll cross that off our list of things to do and maybe, once I'm back from SF, look at other things.
Again, it's just so hard to plan things and that is really getting to me. Starting to think, the best would be just to look at buying a home again and sticking close to it. Could do some renovating or something. I always like that.
5 days to San Francisco! :)
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
April 18, 2006 #2
What My Smoking has Done
So I'm sitting here thinking.......... I did this, I am making my husband, my children, my family suffer because I chose to smoke.
Do you realize how hard that is. Not for me, but for those close to me. To accept the fact that I've caused this to happen and now they must suffer for it. It hurts so much to realize that.
So , if you are smoking, right now, think about this. You don't have to be in my shoes, one day thinking that you've put the people you love the most into such sadness and hurt. Stop now before it's to late. Don't have that laying on your shoulders.
I stopped but it was to late for me, now I must live with this. You don't have to.
You know, it's not that I haven't known that my cancer is due to my smoking all those years, it's accepting the fact that something you've done can cause so much pain........
It's hurts so very much.............
Hi Penny - I have been reading your thoughts on your website. I too, have lung cancer - was diagnosed just prior to Christmas last year. I really feel for you as I feel the same way too. I have had to stop working and that I find incredibly frustrating, along with the boredom too and the continual waiting for test results from my oncologist. I live on the Gold Coast in Australia - a beautiful part of Australia - but I cannot appreciate it because of this awful disease that I have. I am Stage IV and was told prior to Xmas that I had 2 months to live. I have received chemo treatments from early January to end of March and am currently having a break from chemo (and still alive too). I feel lost and useless. I also feel guilty about having lung cancer because I smoked cigarettes as well. No-one deserves to get lung cancer or any form of cancer for that matter. I agree with your thoughts on the tobacco companies too. Even though I have very supportive family and friends I still feel like a lost soul - just sitting around waiting to die - how awful is that! I am only 44 years old - I have no children due to a previous hysterectomy but I feel as though my life has come to a standstill - like you, it is impossible to plan anything because I don't know how much longer I have to live. It is very easy to get deeply depressed about the whole thing. I will continue reading your website as I find your thoughts so similar to mine. You can refer to me as MCBD as I would prefer to remain anonymous:)
April 18, 2006
The Attitudes out there.......
So here is an example of an exchange that just proves the attitude out there about lung cancer(I've X'd out the name of the person writing this as I don't have permission to post this here:
> It will cost a billion or so dollars to cure lung cancer but the real
> truth is it is unnecessary to spend anything. If nobody smoked
> cigarettes then the incidence would (eventually) drop by about 90%
> and it would be a relatively insignificant problem. It's a bit like
> curing the problems caused by any addiction. The real answer is not
> to throw monew at a cure but to spend it on getting rid of the cause.
> This would be far more cost effective.
> If I was not such a nice person I would say to people if you smoke
> you will get cancer and if you know that in advance you deserve what
> you get. Just the same way I feel about drunk drivers who kill
> themselves. Of course drunk drivers and smokers don't just kill
> themselves, unfortunately.
>XXXX
My answer to that post:
Yes, and that is exactly the reason that money does not go into lung cancer. You deserve it attitude. If there was a product on the shelf that had the harmful carcignogenics in it that tobacco has, our governments would be pulling them from the shelves and making them illegal. Why not tobacco? With all the drug addicts (smokers are drug addicts, addicted to nicotine.)buying nicotine, if it was made illegal our governments would lose to much money. To many tax dollars collected for something that has a "you deserve it attitude." Let's keep addicting people so that we can keep collecting the tax dollars.
Did you know that 10% - 15% of smokers will get lung cancer. So, that's a lot of smokers that don't get lung cancer.
Don't get me wrong, I believe people should not smoke! Tobacco should be illegal like any other drug that has the addictive qualities that nicotine has.
PENNY and I didn't deserve this cancer, no matter what "nice" and not so "nice"people might say.............. thank you very much
It is this attitude that people with lung cancer, who are fighting the fight of their life, have to face every day. And then people wonder why there isn't a larger voice in the fight for lung cancer. Could it be that people become fearful to even say, I have lung cancer, let alone, stand up and fight for their right to live?
Humanity is so nice, isn't it....................
Thursday, April 20, 2006
April 20, 2006 - for MCDB!
Thank you so much for your comment on my blog. It really does help to know that the feelings one goes through on this journey are normal feelings. That others have the same feelings.
I have been in such a slump since we returned from our trip south and have been fighting it so hard but it has gotten the best of me. I really felt like I was sitting around waiting to die! Not good, not good at all.
One thing I told myself when I was first diagnosed was that I was going to LIVE with Cancer, not Die with it. I lose site of that along the way sometimes. I truly believe the one thing that has kept me alive for this past year is that I've not let the cancer get the better of me.
So, MCDB, thank you so much as you really made me realize that I need to get out of this slump I've been and get back on track. I also want you to know, that I understand how hard it is to do that and I'm here fighting this fight with you all the way girl! We might live on different sides of the world but we are sisters and we will fight to the bitter end together. Hang in there and find something to get you up and going again. Even the littlest thing can do that for you.
For me, I'm so looking forward to my trip to meet "figgertoes" in San Francisco this weekend. From there I've decided that my mission is to find us a new house so that Michael can have a home that has a little bit of me in it for when I'm gone. So, right after SF, I'm going to go on the hunt for that house! :-)
You are living in one of the most beautiful places in the world. I would so love for you to share pictures with me as Australia has always been the one place I've wanted to travel to all my life and have never had a chance.
Find that something for you, that you can look forward to, short term and think of life in a matter of a month at a time and before you know it, a year will have gone by. Let me know what that something special might be for May. I will watch for you in the days to come.
lots of hugs ((((((MCDB)))))))
Hi Penny..
I started reading your blog after I saw you posting on the cancer newsgroup.. I don't post there and I don't have cancer although I have had a couple of scares with breast lumps. I don't know why I am writing this actually.. I guess I just wanted you to know that you make a difference to even someone in Texas who doesn't know you and will never have the honor of meeting you. You've given me strength just to deal with the "scares" I've had. I pray that if the day comes for me to face the disease you are facing now that God will give me the dignity that you have been blessed with. You have made me change alot of the ways I've looked at alot of different things. I hope you don't mind that I lift your name up and pray for you daily. I hope all the best things for you and your family in the days and months ahead of you. Thank you for touching my life.
Rhonda in Texas
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
watermarked for artistic safety.
The Penny, by Annie 
April 26, 2006 #2
I came home to this wonderful message and it touched my heart. I just have to share. This is what I hoped to accomplish. That somehow I would help others in some way through my experience with my journey in living with cancer. I've received so many messages from strangers that have touched me so much. Annie is one of those people and I am so honored that she has done this:
While painting on Saturday, you were on my mind the whole time.. I wanted to paint something, do something different that would always make me remember this crazy, brave, amazing lady that I met through a blogsite ! That's how I got to that painting. Our one penny coin in South Africa was written as "1c". At first I thought that I would fill that bowl with pennies (dream on! I cant paint, remember!) and then I realized that although there are a gazillion Pennys in the world, there is only one Penny that has made this impact on my life - you! So, you got to be that one Penny (1c) in the blue bowl............one is a gazillion..........
The red apple was supposed to be a red bowl, but remember, I really cannot paint, and it ended up looking like the apples I tried so hard to paint the last time - so it got leaves and became an apple, with worm on the stem and all. The smile is the smile that I get when I think about you and your courage, grace and tenacity in the face of this cancer. The painting is now framed and hanging on my lounge wall. It brings smiles to everyone that sees it - and a good vibe gets sent your way each time I look at it.
So, Penny, you will also forever be a part of my life. That painting is a story - not just a painting. It is an important story that does and will get passed on through my family.
Thank you for a day filled with fun while painting........... it really was a pleasure having you with me.
Annie
Tears........
Thank you so much Annie for sharing your life with me and your own experience in your own journey. You are one special lady! I have been so blessed to have so many around me that have become a part of my journey. You have helped me in so many ways. Thank you so very very much. I shall cherish your picture. It will have a place of honor on my wall!
April 26, 2006
San Francisco :-)
Wow, San Francisco. I don't know where to begin!
We had sooooooo much fun. It was amazing and Gloria was amazing and I just love her to death even more. We had so many laughs and I think I gave her a run for her money at being bossy too. hehehehe
I have to say, my favorite was riding the cable cars. It was a blast. You just have to experience to believe it. Going up and down those hills was something. Not sure if you can call them hills, feels more like mountains at the time.
Another think that impressed me were the people there. Every one was so friendly and helpful. We had our share of experiences on the bus and people were always willing to lend a hand and help us out. One gentleman even stayed on past his stop to make sure we got off where we needed to.
Then there was the sweet street people. We were trying to find where to catch a bus to get us to a restaurant Gloria wanted to visit. This man came up, asked if we needed help. I told we couldn't find where to catch the 21. He said, pointing down the street, "There it is now, I'll run and see if I can hold him for you." It was about 1/2 a block away and of course the bus wouldn't wait for us old folks to make it down the street. hehehehe This guy, then comes back and takes us to the stop. I thank him profusely and he says; "No problem mame, they call me the Mr. Information. It's how I pay my rent." Well I was so impressed, of course I just had to give him something. :-) At least he was willing to work for his keep, no matter the job. We found people willing to help us all over SF. Truly a wonderful testament to the people who live there, both rich and poor, made no difference.
To save some writing, I've copied and pasted some messages on our ng to give you an idea of our time there:
We are here & having a ball. Nary a raindrop to spoil our good time. Penny is just as delightful as you would expect - full of life & fun &wonderfully accommodating of Fig's eccentricities.
There is one thing tho & Penny must be held accountable. The hotel supplies a rubber ducky so that one need never bathe alone. This particular model is (was) fully equipped for the baseball season with blue helmet & bat. It disappeared within moments of check--in. Penny insists it has gone to a 'safe place' but refuses to divulge where. We have rode those cable cars to the stars & back. Yesterday we took a bus over the Golden Gate bridge & then took a commuter ferry back. Then rode streetcars back to near the hotel & the cable cars back up. Then last night, Penny had her picture taken at he corner of Haight &Ashbury - a place she's fantasied about since adolescence. Then we went to Sock's favorite neighborhood bar in the Haight with beers on tap you wouldn't imagine would be on tap anywhere.
Now Penny is a gal used to calling cabs wherever she goes while Fig uses any & all public transportation. Penny's a sport. We have tickets tonight to an event at the opera house & city hall(awesome buildings) given to us Saturday night by a friend we ate dinner with. Yesterday we bought Penny new duds so she can strut her stuff there. Penny's a bit of a sleepy head, so I'll go up now & give her a gentle push in the direction of breakfast. Her husband calls several times/day to make sure she's OK & made her write her life history on a piece of paper in her wallet. He's quite attentive & worries about the time she'll be on the plane 'by herself' between the times I get off in Denver & she in Edmonton. Really, Penny is very sturdy & if it weren't for her cough, you wouldn't suspect a thing were wrong.
Well, Penny has just made her appearance here in the lobby, so we're off for another day of sight-seeing!
hehehehe...... Fig can't keep up with me!
Please don't tell on me as I love my rubber ducky and desperately need to get it home to keep it safe and happy. Otherwise the poor thing will have to go home with Fig. Now would you do that to rubber ducky???????
Wait till you hear what she did to me tonight. Lets just say that we hit the end of the line on, not 1 but 2 buses!! Get that, 2 buses!! Finally found our way home, thanks to me. giggle
OK, I'll admit it since I have a witness who refuses to shut up about it. Penny WAS the first to notice we were standing on a 1-way street waiting for a bus to take us in the opposite direction :-)
Since we couldn't tell from the map exactly where the bus went & the street was only 1-way for a block or 2, we decided (how did you guess, J?) to take it in the opposite direction from where we wanted to go, thinking it wound loop around & head back our way. It did, until the driver announced he was going for a coffee break. He did give us 2 bus numbers for continuing the journey in the direction we wanted to go from the stop where he left us. One came along shortly. Then he ended his trip just 1 long block short of where we wanted to go to catch the cable car up, up, up to our hotel. Fortunately, the cable cars were still running when we got there & we arrived back at the hotel safe & sound.
The cable cars ran right by the hotel making life easy & fun for us. They were Penny's favorite. The refurbished streetcars were OK too, but lacked the drama of the cable cars. The best part of the trip was meeting Penny & getting to know her. We took it easy & stopped for coffee & snacks often. I really can't say Penny seemed to need those stops more than I did! Gone are my days of walking back downtown from the wharf.
Yesterday we went to Chinatown & planned other things but enjoyed naps in lieu of more shopping. I'll remember this trip & sharing it with Penny for the rest of my life. She's one great (& fun) lady. So now she's back with her husband, kids & grandkids. And I'll be back at work tomorrow morning. And Penny & I have our pictures & our memories.
Fig, back home with kitties
For the most part, Fig has it right, except for the fact that the 1st drive rdropped us off and it was a deserted street, no one around, 11 at night. We asked, "Is it safe?" He said, Yeah, you will be fine, this is a (gay) or(great) neighborhood. We couldn't quite make out which he said, but eitherway it seemed we were okay. (I'm positive he said gay and was dying laughing at that!) He even said, once he was done his coffee break, he would come back around to see if we were still there and pick us up. People in SF are wonderful and very helpful. We encountered that a lot. It was so nice to see how a large city doesn't have to lose it's friendliness along the way.
And, the 2nd driver was going for a coffee break too! and, the 1 long block that Fig talks about was more like 5 blocks full of street people set up for the evening. Now that was a long walk but turned out to be okay. Small city girl that I am, just wasn't used to the street people. They were actually very nice and helpful too.
Penny
So, I hope this just gives you a glimps of the fun we had. I was awesome and I shall always remember our time in SF! Thank you Gloria for making it such a wonderful experience! My toast to you!
Oh and Rubber Ducky just loves his new home!!!!!!!!
Biggest smiles always................. :-)
Oh Penny, you are some girl. I so admire that you are sharing your steps on lifes journey with us. In some strange way you are fortunate - you know that the clock of life is ticking, so it gives you the time to make your goodbyes to the ones you love; it gives you time to savor the things in life that most of us take for granted - the seemingly small, but special things, like the giggles, rubber ducks, rainbows and the smell of roses.
On the other hand, you know what is coming, that must be so difficult to process at times. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make your transition easy and peaceful - please know that I admire your grace, and pray that the Father gathers you gently into his arms when your time comes.
In the meantime you keep that wonderful chin up and have a blast.
With much love
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Fundraiser for SCLC
The Penny ................................. Happy Apples
Today Annie had 8 X 10 prints of these, the "Happy Apples" and "The Penny" paintings, made for sale to add to the fundraising efforts ............ They are going to be selling them for $20.00 US a piece - profits to go to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and the Alberta Cancer Foundation in Canada .
If you are interested in buying either of these paintings, please email Annie at: livingwithcml@yahoo.com specifying which Society you would like the funds to go to and she will get back to you with details.
Watch for our new site that will up soon for fundraising for cancer causes:
www.penniesforcancer.com
I will post more once it is up and running.
A new mission for me and I'm running with it. hehehehehe
Monday, May 01, 2006
May 1, 2006
May, finally, feels like spring.
May brings 1 year as of the 16th that I've been off work. June 24th was the day I received the news, SCLC.
Been one heck of a year, both good and bad. I think, for the most part, I've enjoyed my year and tried to make the best of each day. Not always successful but I sure tried.
It's funny how having a mission can really raise your spirits. House hunting has really helped bring my mood up again. Not that we done a lot of it, but researching has taken a lot of time.
Physically, I'm not doing as well. Seems that I'm getting tired more and coughing is becoming something that is almost consistent in one form or another. Have been coughing up blood too, which isn't good but again, it's not all the time so I won't worry about that either. Plus there has been some aching in the rib area that makes it hard to sleep too. Last night I took a sleeping pill and a codeine and that sure helped. I only remember waking once, and then not for long. It's hard to imagine how good it feels to sleep through the night. Some days, that's all I wish for. :-)
I'm hoping that the house for us will be found this week and we can be moving by the middle of June. I so want a back yard that I can go sit in the sun and watch the flowers grow. Sorry Michael no beer to go along with that. I'll leave that for you. *giggle*
Oh, and for those wondering if I am losing weight; NOT. hehehehehe Guess it's just not all that important for me at this point. I am finding that I can't eat as much these days, not sure why, but the hunger just isn't there.
It has amazed me, the number of wonderful people that I've met through this journey. Something like cancer sure can bring people closer together. There are so many wonderful people in the world. I wish we heard more about them and less about all the crimes and ugliness out there. Everyday brings a new warmth and kindness to me in some way. I am one of the very lucky ones to have been touched by all the wonderful people out there. I thank the lord for that each day. He really has blessed me. :-)
Tuesday, May 02, 2006
May 2, 2006
Broken Rib?
Went to see my GP last night. I had experienced a really sharp pain a few days ago. Enough that I almost screamed out loud. Then my side and back started hurting. So, thinking that it just might be the bone mets (cancer spread to the bones) I thought I better check with my GP about taking the codeine for that. Was it okay to mix the codeine and the sleeping pills?
The GP thinks I may of broken a rib. Asked her if coughing would do it and she said yes, due to the weakened state of the bone, it certainly could. Not much they can do for a broken rib though. So I just continue with the codeine as long as it's helping the pain.
Guess this is how it goes. The progression of the cancer. Sneaks up on you and comes as a surprise. Strange as it seems, I guess one is never "ready" for it.
Hi Penny - I have been following your words each day - I am glad you enjoyed San Francisco - I have been there too - really enjoyed your photos too. I have some lovely photos of the gold coast taken by helicopter which I would like to share with you.
You sound as though you are having a rough time at the moment - so am I. Ended up in hospital last weekend with breathing difficulties - much better now, but yes, unfortunately it is this awful disease which keeps dragging us back. I hope you are not in too much pain. I am going for a bone scan tomorrow. Thankyou so much for your kind words you returned to me and mentioning me on the site. We will struggle together even though we are on different sides of the world. I will write more very soon. Chin up girl - I still know exactly how you feel - you are not alone. God bless....
MCBD:)
Thursday, May 04, 2006
May 4, 2006
Coughing up Blood
First and foremost! We have a basic site up though it will change dramatically, we needed something up as Annie has an interview with a local newspaper on Tuesday and we wanted something in place for that.
Check it out: http://www.penniesforcancer.com/
On another note:
I woke up this morning and began coughing up fresh blood, this time, not just pink, but red so I called the Cross Cancer Institute and they are having me come in tomorrow for an x-ray. I won't know the results until Tuesday but they want to check it out to decide if I should be in to the see Onocologist before May 23rd. I'll let you know.
I keep hoping that pain that I have is all in my head, but it keeps rearing it's ugly little head. The nurse at the cross has told me to take a codeine every 4 hours. I'll see how that goes.
One more thing, for anyone looking for scarves due to their hair loss from chemo, you might want to check out http://www.mysistersscarves.com/ . I have not personally bought any from here but it's an option, should you be looking.
Anyway, I've been totally engrossed into Pennies for Cancer! My house, myself, poor Michael, have been basically ignored for the last 3 days! Think I better look at dressing now, it just happens to be 1:30 in the afternoon! AAKK! :-)
Saturday, May 06, 2006
May 06, 2006
Another bad night. Just can't sleep through the night. Went to the Cross yesterday and had the x-ray done. I should know on Tuesday if it's broken rib and maybe why the coughing up blood. This morning I woke up with really bad stomach pain. I think it's from the codeine myself. Hate that stuff. Not sure I'll take anymore of it.
We've put the house thing on hold I think. The market here is just to crazy right now. People are offering way over list price for houses and they are selling within hours of being listed. Just not a good time to buy. Not only that, how will I be in a month or so when we are actually having to move? But then again, who knows, we've been known to change our minds too. :-)
Good things are happening with www.penniesforcancer.com! We are getting some good responses from artists and hope to get a lot more. Annie has a newspaper interview on Tuesday and I hope to meet with the Alberta Cancer Foundation next week. They are going to do an article on their Intranet site, with a link to our site. That will give us some needed publicity. Also will see if I can get something going with the media here once we can get some more artist's pieces up on the site and for sale.
This is when I wish I was a programmer and could do the stuff on the site myself as I have no patience. hehehehe I want things done now! It's hard for me to wait on people.
We had a beautiful day yesterday. Michael stayed home to take me for my x-ray and we spent the day together. Was a wonderful sunny day. I love when he does that, especially when it's so nice out and we can have the time together out of the apartment.
May 7, 2006
Had a better night last night. I think it was just because I didn't take anything. I still woke up lots but over all the night was better. Maybe it's the codeine that doesn't appeal to me.
Had lots of company yesterday. Linda, Bob, Jodee, Tanya and the girls all came over for a visit. The girls modeled their new clothes for me. That was so cute, Kylie made it through one outfit and she had enough. Would rather play than change clothes that often I guess. hehehehe
Maybe take a drive out to see Shadow today. Bob sent us a cute picture of her, I just had to share. That is Max with Shadow.
Monday, May 08, 2006
May 8, 2006
Thanks to Adi.......
I just had to share this. Adi, who is putting together our final and more professional version of the www.penniesforcancer.com website, shared this story with me this morning:
From Adi: Weird news, I'm at work right now and for lunch I was getting some change out to pay, and noticed that I had a Terry Fox looney, so I kept it. Then, the change I got back had a breast cancer quarter with a pink ribbon in the centre!!!!
Woulda been an interesting story to post if I had a blog hahaha. It must be some sort of strange magical influence that surrounds me by choosing to work towards a good cause. haha
Adi has donated all this time and effort into putting together a site for us and we are forever in his debt for doing this!
I decided this deserved a spot on my blog seeing has he doesn't have his own. hehehehe
On another note; I received email from the Alberta Cancer Foundation today. They cannot do a story on their site about our efforts due to the number of requests they get to do this type of thing. That is understandable. I'm sure they are inundated with requests for support.
However, they may include in their summer newsletter, so that could even be better. So, once again, bad news turns into something good. :-)
Thursday, May 11, 2006
May 11, 2006 #2
Others are gone
Really not a good night. You know, you get to know people, worry about them, then all of a sudden they are gone. So many that have gone before me. It's hard watching that, watching others die from cancer while you hang on. And knowing there are so many more to follow after you are gone. It's hard and yet you need to support them, walk this journey with them, with me, with all those that are to come. It's what keeps us going, what gives us strength, well, gives me strength. The support and supporting others that are in the same place you are. That's what this is all about. I hope I can keep writing as long as possible so that those that are going through this will know that I understand where they are and have been through it with them and them with me............
MCBD, please let me know how you are doing and how your tests went. *hugs*
May 11, 2006
No news from the Cross on my x-ray so I'm going to take it that no news is good news. It probably does mean that the cancer in my rib bones has progressed and that's why the pain, not a broken rib. Not so nice.
Was my worst night yet, last night. The coughing was so bad. I've stopped taking the codeine as I think it was making me feel funny. Didn't like it at all.
We went out to Bob's last weekend and walking out to his horse shelter and back almost killed me. I couldn't believe it! By the time I got back to the house I was coughing so bad that I threw up. It's frustrating as I want to do things but makes me hesitant because I don't want to start coughing. How do you get exercise without doing things. Lung Cancer really does suck.
Things are progressing with www.penniesforcancer.com. The final site should be done by the weekend. I can't wait to see it. Adi won't show it to us until he's happy with it. He really is amazing! Annie has had a couple of interviews, one with a newspaper and one with TV and more coming up. She is quite the lady. So much energy. Makes me tired just hearing about everything she has going.
I hope to contact the media here next week. Have been waiting for the final site. Then we can also start to get some more artists. We have about 5 I think, so far, to start with.
It is keeping me busy. :-)
My employer, Connect, is putting an article about Pennies for Cancer in their next newsletter. And, they are collecting pennies that they will donate too. That was really nice! :-)
Have Dad and Mom's 50th coming up in another week. I can't believe it's almost here. I'm so looking forward to it. Will see a lot of relatives that we haven't seen in a long while and it will be a blast. After the dinner we are having a "jam session". Will take me back to my younger days as music was so much a part of our growing up. You would of thought I would of gotten some of those genes, but not so. My sisters got all the musical genes, not me. :-)
The site is beautiful.... you are an inspiration. Alex
Sunday, May 14, 2006
May 14, 2006 - Mother's Day
Had a wonderful Mother's day, spent with Tanya and Pete and their families. I also received a wonderful email from Petra which was so touching! I'm truly blessed. I have wonderful children, an awesome husband, a great family and such special friends. What more could a person ask for in their life time? Not much I think. :-)
May 14, 2006
Rib Pain
A little better night last night. I only woke up 3 times and the coughing was quite as bad. This gave me a little better sleep.
I went out Friday and my ribs hurt like hell. I think it was the bra sitting on them. The pressure from it sure did hurt. That just tells me that it's probably bone mets and not a broken rib. Had fun anyway.
Yesterday, I had Neressa and Michael surprised us with a trip to the go cart park, where Neressa and I raced him around the track. That was a blast even though it hurt. I wouldn't of missed it for the world. Neressa had a ball. Speaking of ball, Michael took her into the batting cage afterwards. Her first time with a bat in her hand. She was pretty excited when she hit two balls without his help. Told her that her mommy played ball when she was her age. Of course Neressa wanted to know how many she hit the first time and I just had to say none. hehehehe Her mom sure heard about that one when she picked her up later in the day. :-)
Next weekend is Mom and Dad's 50th anniversary. I'm a little concerned how I'll make it through the whole day. Might have to beg my sisters to do the work before hand. Just don't know if I could do a 9 hour day. :-(
I go to see the oncologist on the 23rd. Not that he can do much but I'm curious on the x-ray and what my blood test will show. It's really hard living day to day with things progressing so slowly. I find this has been the worst time of it all. I think it's because I don't get the same testing, CT scans, bone scans, etc., now so I really don't have a clue what is going on inside my body. I just how I feel is all I have to go by. Maybe that's a good thing too. Maybe not knowing can be better than knowing???
Adi is almost done the final site for Pennies for Cancer so I'm hoping we will have it up this week sometime. Can't wait to see what he's done! :-)
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
May 17, 2005
Had a much better night last night. Slept staight through from 11 until 4 am. I think that's the most I've slept in ages. Not sure why, but I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth. :-)
Adi gave us a preview of the site for Pennies for Cancer. It is AMAZING!! I can't believe the job he's done on it! I also can't wait to get it up for everyone to see. Now that we've approved it and made some minor changes, I'm hoping he can get it up live for the weekend. Can't complain, I mean, he's put a lot of work into it. The waiting will be well worth it. :-)
Friday, May 19, 2006
May 19, 2006
1 Year mark......
I'm finding each day my spirit goes further and further down. Having a hard time getting out of that. Not sure why either. Could it be the lack of sleep? The lack of "future". I'm really feeling that these days. There is a lack of future. It's actually surprising how much we rely on future to live today. Each day, spent looking to the future, building for the future, planning for the future, dreaming of the future. Amazing. What do you do when you have no future. It's so easy to say, live for today, make your history each day. So easy to say, so hard to do.
It does seem, the closer my appointment gets to seeing the oncologist, the lower I feel. Just realized this. Then, after my appointment, things seem to get better. Could be a fear of what might be? Maybe. Been holding off making any plans until after that appointment. Maybe that's it. That has been my future over the past year. Making our plans for the next couple of months. My future, a month at a time.
Oh, my goodness! It is one year today that I worked my last day. I miss that routine. The routine of going to work, coming home, weekends off. Looking forward....... Can't believe it's been a year already.
Wow, I've beat this disease for a year now! Well, I actually got the news June 24th so almost a year. Soon!! :-)
Monday, May 22, 2006
May 22, 2006
Families!! :-)
Familes! What a blessing to have family. Many of our extended family came for Dad and Mom's 50th anniversary on Saturday. It was so nice to see Aunts, Uncles, Great Uncles/Aunts, cousins, friends, people we hadn't seen in years. Even my Grandmother was there through the magic of video tape. What a wonderful day!
That's is what blesses me, my family around me, both physically and in spirit. I'm sure lucky. :-)
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
May 23, 2006
Good News - no Brain Cancer
First things first! hehehehe.... www.penniesforcancer.com is finally up. Though not fully functional it is up and you can see how it's going to work. For now, an email will get you going on a purchase/donation. We will soon have paypal up and downloads going and a lot more art work on there. We must have at least another 15 or more prints to get on the site. So keep checking it out. :-)
Now for my news:
Had my bimonthly visit today and he was concerned with the coughing and blood, pain in the ribs, headaches, so he arranged for a CT scan this morning.
After getting the images back he said it looks like the original tumor site has grown, causing the coughing and blood. Because I only had a small amount of radiation, well below the tolerant level, I am scheduled to go for more radiation on Thursday. Hopefully this will alleviate the coughing. If not, the next step would be surgery to burn the tumor.
The brain, from what he could tell, showed no signs of cancer yet but he is having a radiologist look at it.
I am scheduled for a bone scan on May 31st and will go back to see the oncologist on June 14th for those results.
He's also arranged for home care to call us to get that started.
I have to say, I felt much better about what he did today than my last 2 visits. Not that it was good news but that at least we are getting informed much better.
After waiting so long, they all had a chance to see how bad my coughing really is so he's doubled the liquid codeine and told me to be sure to take it every 4 hours until the radiation does the job.
So that's my news.
Been a long morning! :-)
Hi Penney, I stumbled onto your blog, and hope you are doing well on your journey with small cell lung cancer. My husband was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, so reading your blog has given me hope. I think you are a very strong, kind woman, and I hope everything works out okay for you and your family. Take care, be strong and always have hope. Carol
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
May 24, 2006
Codeine is Terrible!
Wow, what a day. The codeine is awful! This morning, about an hour after taking it, I started sweating, feeling sick to my stomach, light headed. Thought I was going to pass out. My sister, Paula, stopped by and stayed most of the day. Not that I was good company, slept most of it, but it was good to have her here. Just knowing she was here helped. A nurse from the Cross called to see how I was doing with it and she's gotten me a prescription to help with the nauseous feeling. She also told me to keep taking it and it certainly has helped with the cough as I haven't coughed nearly as much. Just don't know if I can take the way it makes me feel. I thought my days before were pretty uneventful, today, I did nothing! Not good. The nurse said someone from home care will call me tomorrow and probably come over on Friday.
I go for my radiation tomorrow morning and they are also going to do an x-ray on my stomach to check things out there. Not sure how I'll make it to the Cross feeling like I do. Maybe just take 1/2 a dose of codeine tomorrow to get through.
So I'm getting just a little taste of having to rely on someone else to do things and I HATE it! I don't want to be here, in this space, and it's only going to get worse. It's not a nice feeling. I am not looking forward to this. Hopefully the radiation will work and I can get off this codeine and start feeling a little better so life can keeping moving on.
Hi, I''m sure the radiation will work and you will be feeling better soon. My husband hates codeine too!
Carol
Friday, May 26, 2006
May 26, 2006
Time for Home Care
Been through 2 doses of radiation now. Stopped taking the codeine as it just made me feeling so aweful. Hope the radiation will keep the cough down. I have been coughing up more blood since my first treatment yesterday but I think that's the radiation working. Feel very tired and having a hard time focusing on anything right now.
Had a fever of 38.2 C on Wednesday night. Wondering if I might of picked up a bit of a virus or something and that's what's making me feel so badly.
Can't even seem to get things going for Pennies for Cancer. We need to get that site finished and running properly. Adi's giving us a date of Monday for that. Hope it works for him and he can get it done.
Home care nurse is supposed to come over today sometime. She should be calling to arrange the time soon.
Met with the home care nurse for about 1 1/2 hours. This was really hard to do, to realize that you need help with things. Not a fun feeling and I told her. Said, This is the last thing I want to do is to meet with you. She said to look at differently, that they are there to ensure that I can be home and comfortable for as long as possible, instead of looking at it that it's just a stepping to stone to feeling worse. I guess she has a good point. It's much better to look at it that way. They are there to help make things better. Just need to keep that in mind. They will even have someone come and help with house work if needed. I think Michael might like that every once in a while. Take some pressure off of him to do it. He puts in such hard/long hours at work, he sure doesn't need to come home and clean house too. I'm hoping that the radiation will actually give me a little strength back and I'll be able to do more. Plus, have had no appetite at all. I'm lucky to eat once a day. That's not good either. Need to eat to keep active.
So now, it's onto the next phase of my journey..........
hope you feel better!
Carol
Sunday, May 28, 2006
May 28, 2006
Regrets?
I think we all wonder, when our time has come to leave this world, if we will leave with regrets. I think about that now and then. Even having time to be sure I have no regrets, there are always some that are always there. Taking time out to look at those regrets I then realize they really aren't regrets at all, just thoughts that, if I knew then, what I know now, I might of done some things differently. But regrets? No, I guess not. Even the times I think I might of regretted, I can see that good has come from those times too, so how can I wish for anything different. I really can't.
My first thought was of Petra, but then I think, wow, she had a wonderful family, we've become such good friends, how can I regret anything there. It is what is and was meant to be.
Then I think of Tanya and Pete and how I might of done some things different in their lives, but then I look at who they are today. They have grown to be such gracious and loving adults and I've been so proud of them for how they've made it through some of lives struggles and how they have grown because of them. How can I regret anything. I wouldn't change them for the world and to think I had a hand in what they have become! Amazing. It was what was meant to be.
I think about the failing of my marriage and how I felt for so long that I should of tried harder, should of kept things together. But then, I would of never known Michael, wouldn't of known his love. So how can I regret anything that I've done. I can't, it brought me to this wonderful place with Michael. What was meant to be was and is.
So do I have any regrets? No, I can't say that I do. I have wishes and dreams. I still have those even though I really know that most will not happen, can not happen. But even here, what is meant to be will be.
I know that beyond this world is a place that has no pain, a place that has no illness, no sadness. A place that, one day, I will be with all those that I love. Regrets?
I have none. :-)
You are truely an amazing lady, Penny. Your sense and sensibility is wonderful - even though the words break my heart.
Love
Annie
Tuesday, May 30, 2006
May 30, 2006
Why me?
The radiation seems to be helping. The blood is now gone, still coughing but it's a different cough and it is getting less and less each day. Hopefully soon I'll be sleeping through the night again. That will make things a whole lot easier.
Still feeling nauseous and weak. Hope that goes away too. I'm looking forward to getting the oxygen here as I think, even mentally, it will help. Just having it available when the shortness of breath happens will boast my moral.
The Edmonton Journal came by today to interview me on lung Cancer. They are doing a major piece on it and as I was talking with her I realized at that moment.......
This was my answer to why I got lung cancer!! I new that for all things, there are reasons for them. Here was mine. I was brought to this point so that I could help in making inroads for funding for Lung Cancer. I am doing this through www.penniesforcancer.com and this interview. Bring awareness to the fact that people with Lung Cancer are real people too, they have loved ones, jobs, goals and dreams, just like everyone else. Bringing awareness to the lack of funding that goes into Lung Cancer research and how we need to get on board and help make it better! The "pennies" that are collect towards this are just the beginning but every place had a beginning. Years ago it was breast cancer. Breast Cancer now has a cure rate of 80%. Now it's Lung Cancer's turn. Let's do the same thing for this cancer!
So I've been brought full circle now. I have my answer. A pretty good one at that.
Not everyone who gets something like this will do these types of things, their answer to "Why" will be different than mine. But I hope that all who are looking for the "Why" will find peace in the answer to their question as I have done.
Smiling a wonderful smile! :-)
I have been waiting for the pay pal, I tried to use it but the icon would not connect to pay pal. Alex
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
May 31, 2006
update on Regrets
Wonderful News! My cousin, Christine, has stopped smoking for 5 days now!!! WAY TO GO CHRISTINE!!
Now that I've announced to the world that she's trying to stop smoking, she's just going to have to keep it up, don't you think? Can't let the world down now, can she?? *wicked wicked grin*
I'm so proud of you girl! Keep it up!! *hugs to you*
Update
on Regrets......... just thought of one......... smoking! Now that is one regret I do have, that I ever started smoking.......... but, again, something good has come from that too, so do I really regret it??
YOU BETCHA, BIGTIME! hehehe I didn't quite soon enough unfortunately, but I can't change it so I'm not dwelling on it either. :-)
No use dwelling on it Penn. I agree with that.
But cheers for everyone that stops smoking. I hope your niece will stay smokefree.
Anne
Friday, June 02, 2006
June 2, 2006
Finally have some bugs worked out on the www.penniesforcancer.com website and all of the donated pieces of art, etc. up there.
Check it out and send us a note with your feedback. It would be much appreciated!
And keep coming back as we gather new pieces of art, photos, even some songs are in the works!
Appreciate all your support. :-)
Hi Penny! Thanks for sharing your story with all of us, and for being such an inspiration. You've shown us how the human spirit can truly shine in the face of adversity. All the best to you!
Saturday, June 03, 2006
June 3, 2006
(www.penniesforcancer.com)
Had my visit with the respiratory therapist yesterday. He suggested that I take the codeine at least at night to help me sleep and he will come back next week to see if things have improved. We are hoping that the radiation will have stopped the coughing altogether by then.
One other thing he said was that fatigue is the most common complaint of cancer patients. It's just part of the disease. Something that you put up with I guess.
So, I tried the codeine (for the cough) last night (along with a sleeping pill) and I slept from 7:30 until 3:30 straight through! A blessing indeed!
I did get back to asleep again until 5:30 so all in all not a bad night. Though, it seemed like the coughing this morning as made up for all I missed last night. It is also easier to deal with when you've had a decent sleep so that is wonderful! :-)
Sunday, June 04, 2006
June 4, 2006
(www.penniesforcancer.com)
It seems that the radiation is beginning to work. I've only had one coughing spell today and it was later in the day. Had a great sleep and feeling a lot better because of it all.
I'm betting by the middle of the week I won't be coughing at all.
Isn't radiation grand! :-)
Monday, June 05, 2006
June 5, 2006
A WONDERFUL SURPRISE!
What a wonderful, generous, loving, amazing lady Annie is! I received a parcel in the mail today. Took forever to get it opened due to all the tape, paper, card board, around it. Annie almost gave me a heart attack just trying to get into the sucker. hehehehehe
Was worth all the effort in the world! Annie shipped me the original painting she did of "The Penny"!!
Well, did the tears start flowing or what! It looks so beautiful and it will be treasured always.
You are such a dear Annie! Thank you so very much!
You are most welcome, my friend. What a pleasure...
Love - Annie
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
June 6, 2006
www.penniesforcancer.com
Just when you think things are getting better, bam, it hits you hard again. What a night. I think I had the worst night last night for coughing than I've had in a long time. I ended up taking more codeine and it finally settled down so that I could sleep. Just taking one day at a time and hope each day will get better and better. I was thinking yesterday how, maybe just maybe, they made a mistake and it's not as bad as we all think. Then I get hit with a night like that. Brings me back to reality.
Funny how, even when you KNOW, absolutely KNOW how bad the cancer is and what the outcome is going to be there are still days when it's not real. I sure have those days. Days where I think, wow, they really did mess up, that's not me, I'm not going to die. They got all those tests mixed up with someone else. Something always brings you back to reality.
Have not made any plans lately. Trying to get PFC up and running so that it really can make a difference. We did have a noted Alberta Artist offer to send us some limited edition, signed prints for the site. His name is Glen Munholland and you can view his work at http://www.artincanada.com/glenmunholland/index.html. Once we receive the prints we'll post it on PFC and have a sale.
I've been reading a lot to pass some time, and also decided to knit Neressa and Kylie each a sweater for the fall. That will take me a couple of months to do and I really need to get them both done so I just have to stay well to complete them. :-)
hehehe Whatever it takes to keep in the game hey? hehehehe
Hey Penny--hang in there. I forwarded the email you sent to everyone I could. You are an inspiration. I have fallen in love with the painting by your mom of the lady in red--praying. We will be making a donation very soon! Your family is full of so much talent. Take care and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers often. Hugs & squishes... Always, Miranda
Thursday, June 08, 2006
June 8, 2006
No patience
I have found, recently, that I have no patience. The idea that my time on this earth is limited has made me want things to happen NOW! Not tomorrow, not next week or next month, but NOW.
At the best of times I have been a person who liked to be in control. At work, when I gave a project over to someone, I had to be very conscious not to interfere and to allow that person to complete the project as they saw fit.
So, now, I'm even worse! hehehehe
The poor people who have to work with me on the www.penniesforcancer.com and all of that.
I think that part of my impatience is know that my time is limited and I so want to see this become successful before I'm gone. It is my sincere wish that I don't over do it and alienate those that are there to help me. :-)
I wonder if others who are going through this journey have the same feeling of impatience that I have? Do they also want things to happen now and not a week from now or is it just me? My personality. Being in control has always been a part of who I am and now I have no control over the cancer that has invaded my body. Especially now that my treatment options are so limited. No more radiation, I refuse to do anymore chemo as it will take me away from doing other things and the chances of it helping are so slim. So how does someone who has always been in control live with not being in control any longer? Looks like I try to control other things, outside things. This can be okay as long as I keep a good handle on it and don't go over board. I need to stay very conscious of that.
I think I need to practice, Let go and Let God........ :-)
don't be too hard on yourself, everyone gets impatient when not feeling well. Plus when cancer takes control of your life who wouldn't be impatient!
Alex
Sunday, June 11, 2006
June 11, 2006
Falling Apart
I would of thought the coughing would be gone by now. It's not, though it isn't as often, it is still there and gives me grief every now and then. At least I'm sleeping 5 - 7 hours a night so that helps a lot. Even so, very fatigued all the time. Doesn't take much for me to have to sit down and rest.
Also have an awful case of hives now on top of it all. Been taking antihistamines which help but they are so bad. The itching is terrible.
Feeling nauseous all the time also. Not sure why that is. I eat a little and it comes on, I don't eat and I feel that way anyway.
I really am falling apart! hehehehe
Has anyone got a new body for Sale? I'd gladly pay you on Tuesday for a new body today! hehehehe
Went to Bob and Linda's wedding yesterday. Had a perfect day for the outside wedding. Not to hot, some fluffy clouds, sun shine, a nice breeze. All in all a wonderful day. Of course I cried. :-)
Took a lot out of me, got home about 5:00 and I was exhausted. Went to bed, read for a bit, listened and kind of watched the hockey game. Really didn't need to as once it's over, if Edmonton has won, then the yelling and screaming goes on outside, the horns are honking and all hell is breaking loose. So, you can tell the outcome of the games by our neighbors. I did watch the last 4 minutes though and it was a good game! LOL - all 4 minutes of it.
It's the little pleasures that make a difference in my life these days. Just having Michael home with me, having Tanya come visit, a phone call from Pete, an email from Fran, ohhhhhhh I almost forgot, a story from Pam!
Pam and Stan spent a week out in Vancouver and just returned home last night (in time for the hockey game of course!). While they were out at a night club, Pam was talking about Pennies for Cancer with one of the cousins when a lady in the club looked at her and then said, I know Penny, she's famous! hehehehe I read her blog all the time. AAAAKKKK!! It never occurred to me really that something like this blog would come up like that. What a small world. So, am I making a difference in sharing my journey with cancer? Will PFC make a difference in the funding for lung cancer?
I may never know the answers to those questions but I will continue to do what I can in the hopes that it will all make a difference one day, down the road. In sharing my journey, I've tried to be as open with my thoughts, feelings, physical symptoms, and my emotional journey. I've tried not to hold back but to let things be as it is. That can be hard at times, knowing, now, that this is shared with so many over the world. I sometimes feeling I'm opening my self up more than I ever have in my life. That people know my trials, struggles, loves, frustrations more than I've ever shared before. It is hard at times to be open and as honest as possible. I do so, in the hopes that I may help others that have family who go through this. I know some people aren't able to share the emotional rollercoaster of living with cancer. Some people never get a chance to share, to tell their loved ones all the things they want to before they go. I hope that I can be that vessel for those who can't for what ever reason. When you are facing death, it isn't always easy to express how that makes you feel. Some never get the chance as cancer can hit you and take you away in a matter of weeks.
I've been lucky, I'm here, almost a year later, still able to share this journey.......... :-)
I'm sure you make a difference Penny ;-)
You make a difference to me anyway, and I'm sure to a lot of other people.
Anne
Monday, June 12, 2006
June 12, 2006
Psychological Aspect??
Things have been tough lately. Not that I'm feeling really sick but more that I'm so very tired all the time. I just feel like I'm losing ground. The nauseous feeling doesn't help either.
Then I wonder if it's because I'm coming up to 12 months since dx. The fact that you are given a time frame, 12 - 14 months ( we all want to know when we get cancer, don't we?), if that has something to do with it. Do I, because of that time period given, subconsciously make myself feel worse? That is a scary thought. Could the reason behind the doctors being so close in the estimates at times be due to the psychological aspect and not really the physical aspect of cancer? I wonder. I wonder if we weren't given dates at all how statistics might change.
Of course, if I wasn't given a time frame, I sure would of pushed for one. It was something that I really needed to know once I knew the cancer was terminal. So it's a win/lose situation, for a lack of better words to describe it.
Then I wonder what my family and friends need from me now. It's never a question I've thought to ask. What kind of information can I give them that will help them in their struggle with dealing with my cancer and my impending death. I often tell them what I need from them but have never really asked them what they need from me. How selfish is that? :-)
I know, I'm going to hear...... but you should be selfish! But, you know, I don't believe I should be, really. This is a family journey and we all have our needs along the way so we all should be able to express those needs, not just me. So, I'm asking that question now...... what do you need or want from me? How can I make this journey an easier one for you?
You, my family, my friends, people who I've never met but that have reached out to me in some form or another, you have given me what I've needed to go through this journey to the best of my ability. Now I need the answer from you, what can I give in return? :-)
This blog. I want it preserved so I can continue to read it & refer others to it. Do you know how to do that or how long it will stay up once you stop making entries?
I'd like you to find someone who will keep up the blog if you ever get to the point when you no longer can. That would be easier than responding to our inividual emails.
Those are my selfish wishes.
Gloria
Oh my goodness sis,
Since day one you've been very selfLESS! You have constantly thought about other people and especially our family. It's been your strength and spirit that has pulled us together and through this journey. And when you are gone, that is going to be your biggest gift to us in remembering how you lived with cancer and how we should continue to live each and every day.
I've cherished every moment spent with you from the precious to the mundane. LOL
You obviously don't realize how much you have done and are doing for each and every one of us without asking for much from us at all. Is there anything else I could ask from you? Not a thing, other then to let US know, on the days you feel that spirit waning, how to give that back to you in return.
I love you sis.
Dearest Penny
I dont think you realise just how much you have given me, and so many others, in so many different ways. Things that will stay with me forever, 'stuff' that in some or other way, is already being passed on to my kids and becoming a part of our life story.
You are an incredible woman, Penny, selfless, strong and tremendously caring and oh so beautifully human! You are sharing yourself in a wonderful way that teaches so much.
If I were even remotely in a position to ask 'for something in return', it would simply be the impossible. And that you accept my love and respect and thanks.
I am SO looking forward to meeting you in early August - that's going to be totally wonderful!
Love and hugs
Annie
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
June 14, 2006
Feel Better
Had a visit with my GP yesterday and she gave me Reactine to combat the hives. Said they are probably from stress. I think I was stressed over feeling so awful that last couple of weeks. I was thinking, no, this it to soon to start feeling this bad. I'm not ready to lie down and let this cancer take over and I've been feeling like I had no choice, just didn't have the energy to fight. Feeling like you have no fight left is a slightly stressful to say the least.
The cough has not gone away but there are definite triggers such as lying down, eating, air conditioning or a strong wind and physical activities. So I've been managing it without drugs now and I can live with it as it is for the most part. It was a lot worse so this is much better.
Now the only drugs I'm taking are the Reactine and an antinausea medication. I would say, not bad all things considered.
The GP also told me, do what I want as long as I think of the worst case scenario and I can deal with that, then why not. So the worst thing that I can think of for anything is to be in a lot of pain and that can be managed so I'm free to do as wish.
I did find a lump and she feels it may be cancer as it is really sore so she will send me for ultrasound if the Cross doesn't bother checking it out. I'll wait and see what my oncologist says on Tuesday.
Today I was feeling much better, a little more energy, went out for lunch with Paula, went for a visit to Pete and Julies and even stopped at Walmart to pick up a couple of things. Tired now though! But all in all things are looking up. :-)
Friday, June 16, 2006
Pennies for Cancer!
Amazing! Adi has come through again with a number of changes. It just keeps getting better and better.
You will now be able to bring up each artist's works and see all that they have done. Watch for a short bio on each one to come soon.
We will also have some music available! Including my favorite, My Sister, My Friend. :-)
It is looking good Adi! Thank you so much for your wonderful work.
June 16, 2005
A Hell of a Disease!
Cancer is a hell of a disease! As if I didn't know that before hey? But it is so up and down. One day you feel okay, the next awful. Again, I wonder if I'm looking for things because the year is here?
The nauseous feeling just won't go away, and when I really think about it, it's not really nauseous, it's almost like hunger pains but higher up and not really pains. More like someone hit me in the stomach but higher. As if I know what that feels like! I've never been hit in the stomach but I imagine that is what it might feel like if I had of been.
Then I'm thinking, it's more to the right of center and isn't that where the kidney is and the adrenal gland also? Could it be the cancer there has grown and that's what's giving me this feeling? Found this picture! And this about the Adrenal Gland:
Symptoms of primary adrenal insufficiency — Most patients with primary insufficiency experience fatigue, generalized weakness, loss of appetite and weight loss. (Have all of these, except the weight loss.)
Other common symptoms include:
-Darkening of the skin
-Gastrointestinal symptoms such as nausea and vomiting (vomiting or abdominal pain is a signal that an adrenal crisis might occur; see below) (Wonder if that's the pain I feel?)
-Hypotension (low blood pressure with lightheadedness after standing up) (Have the lightheadedness when I first get up from laying down)
-Muscle and joint pain (Have this all the time. hehehe)
-Salt cravings (hmmmm, not sure, I was craving popcorn, could that be for the salt?)
So enough of the self diagnoses! hehehe
Oh shit, shit, shit.......... excuse me............ just really need to focus on the good and my goals for the next couple of months! SCREW THE CANCER!!
Pennies for Cancer has slowed right down. The Journal article has been postponed again because of the hockey playoffs. It's hard to stay positive that PFC will take off and fly during these slow periods but nothing worth working for comes easy, correct? All things for a reason. Something will happen to get it going, I've just run out of ideas on how at the moment. But I certainly haven't given up! :-)
Petra is coming home in July!! I'm so glad we will have some time together again. We thought Christmas would be the last time and I'm blessed with still being here and having more time. Hope that Petra, Tanya, Pete and I can all do something together this time. It shouldn't be so hectic as Christmas was. I was thinking even a couple of nights camping out might be nice, sitting by the fire, roasting marshmallow and talking. Brings a smile to my face.
Think I will end with that thought. A happy one! :-)
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
June 20, 2006
Angry/Hurt/Frustrated/Scared
Not a good day.
Had my appointment at the Cross today with my oncologist. After waiting an hour, which isn't unusual, first a nurse came in to go over all the things I wrote down that are happening, then a student came in to ask me about them, then my doctor came in, checked to find where the pain was I was experiencing. I told him that I was taking codeine for it and it was causing hives so I needed something else. He thought it might be gall bladder. Said the lump that I've found is a cancer tumor that isn't uncommon and if it gets bigger and hurts more they would do radiation on it but leave it for now. So I started to ask some questions and he cut me off, said he would send me for an ultrasound and we would talk after. Wanted to ask about the nausea, talk about home care, the pain killers that I might take. I would start a question, he would interrupt and say, we'll talk after the ultrasound and left the room.
Okay, fine I thought, I'll have the ultrasound and then ask him my questions. After waiting for 20 minutes to get my ultrasound appointment, they print out a sheet and it is for July 10th and I see my onocologist July 18th! A FRIGGIN MONTH AWAY!!
I was so upset, starting crying, couldn't talk. Told them I needed some pain killers and I wanted a new doctor. Michael took over from there, I was so upset. He got a prescription for percosat and a phone number for us to call to switch to a different doctor.
I just felt so angry, hurt, frustrated and scared too. It felt like I was no longer a person, that my concerns and questions didn't matter any longer. I'm dying, there is no cure, so why bother spending any amount of time on me. I don't have the words to describe how it made me feel.
So, now I have a call in to see a different doctor and have to wait now another month to see why things are hurting so much. I think, once a person is at the point I am at, I should of been transferred to a doctor that specializes in hospice/palliative care. Someone who knows or has a better idea how a patient with no cure feels. That can understand the fears, the need for answers. I would of thought the Cross, of all places would understand that. And, it is really my doctor and not the Cross. I'm sure they do have doctors that specialize in palliative care.
This was not a good visit and I know nothing new so now I just pop pain killers and wait a month. *tears*
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
June 21, 2006
A little better
Today is a little better.
The Percoset really does the trick, takes the pain away for the most part, though not completely. Leaves me a little light headed and spacey but not so bad as the codeine.
I received a call from the Cross and they have switched me to a different doctor. She said he's very caring and understanding. :-) I knew they would come through. They really are good there. It's the doctor I had. He's the best lung doctor they have and I'm thankful that I had him for my treatments. He just is so busy and now it is time for me to have someone who will work with me through to the end.
I go and see my GP on Monday. I think she will find out what is causing the pain before I go back to the Cross on the 18th. I know she will. :-)
Glad to hear you are better today. Glad also happy to note the Cross came to the plate.
You may need a long acting pain killer. Keep a pain diary that includes Time, activity you are doing, what you took and the pain level ( on a scale of 1-10)
Bring this with you to the doctor.
Alex
Friday, June 23, 2006
June 23, 2006
www.penniesforcancer.com
It's funny how you can fool yourself into thinking everything is okay. I do it, even now, even knowing all that I know.
Especially taking the percoset. Makes everything feel fine so then I start thinking, hey, I'm okay, I'm not sick and the cancer has gone away. Then the percoset fades away and the pain comes back and reality hits again. I wonder how long a person will play this game with themselves? How long will I continue to do the rollercoaster?
One thing that I really need to do for myself is to ask my doctor to tell me honestly, has anything changed in their diagnoses? Do they see things getting worse or could they have made an error. I need that chat I think. I need to know where I stand now. Tomorrow is 1 year to the day that the surgeon told me the biopsy came back as small cell lung cancer.
Wow, isn't that fitting. One year tomorrow and the article is supposed to be out in the Journal tomorrow. I just realized that. Funny the way life works and how things fall into place.
Is that why the need for an update? Because it's one year? Do I really need to know?
I think so, I think I need to hear either your time is short, or, you have a while yet, you've done a lot better than we thought. It has been an emotional rollercoaster the last couple of weeks. That is what I needed from the onocologist! Something that would give me a time frame, a sense of being able to plan for tomorrow and an idea of how many tomorrow's there might be.
It is so often said, live for today as yesterday has come and gone and tomorrow has yet to come. No matter how hard you try, you cannot live just for today. You need a tomorrow, even 1 tomorrow or 100 tomorrows, doesn't matter, you need to know there is a tomorrow.
Don't you?
2 Comments
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You hit the nail on the head so thoroughly at times that the words simply leave me.
Yes, tomorrow is definately needed, no doubt about it. I cannot imagine not using tomorrow in my every today. I tried. I failed.
Please dont delay asking your doctor theses questions - peace of mind is vital to you now, grab as much of it as you can, and dance my friend - you got those 'shitkickers' - use 'em!
*giggle* back to you with love
Annie
:-)
I just read about you in the journal. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer 5 years ago this month and passed away a few months later. I'm glad she didn't have to fight for more than a couple of months. It's such a hard thing to do, to keep on living when you know you're dying. Good for you for trying to make the best of what time you have. I'm a true believer in making the most of each day, no matter our circumstances, and being thankful for the good things, even on days when it's hard to remember what those are!
B.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
June 24, 2006
1 year today
1 year, 1 long year yet so very short too. Where has the year gone? I remember sitting at my kitchen table after I received the news and thinking a year, I have a year. What do I want to do with my time. I remember making a list of things I wanted to do. Did I do them all? No, I don't believe so, but the list changed over time and I have to say, I'm content, happy with what I have done. So much more I could do, Time will tell how much I will be able to do.
It's sure been a rollercoaster day once again. I will be so thankful to find out what is causing the pain I'm having. Even though everything tells me that is what is to be expected I still behave like any other person out there without cancer. Find the cause of the pain and fix it. I find that a little strange. I hate taking the pain killers, yet they could very easily become my friend. When I don't take them the pain is constant. When I do take them, I can forget so readily about the cancer. That's what makes it such a rollercoaster. I certainly don't like my new friend much but will have a love/hate relationship I'm afraid.
The article came out in the Journal today. I've been thinking all day, how do I feel about it. I think Susan did a great job in pulling together all the things we talked about. I hope that it brings awareness out there that people with lung cancer are just people, just like anyone else. I know the stigma will always be there about lung cancer but awareness must start somewhere, one baby step at a time. Maybe someone will take the next steps needed after I'm gone and eventually we will not have any cancer at all. I can dream. We all have dreams. We are all entitled to our dreams, realistic or not. :-)
I also wonder, will I be able to keep this journey true to me now? This all started so that I could honestly portray the journey of fighting and living with cancer. This past year has brought about so many good things and so many that are following my journey, I find myself, now and then, having to work hard at keeping this honest and saying what I really feel. When it's out in the open so close to home I'm worried that it will become even harder to do so.
I knew all this going into this and I am bound and determined to keep this true to me. If I don't, then it's just not worth the time and effort. I has to be for me, first and foremost. That is the only way to truly share this journey.
Last but not least, I do want to thank everyone who have written and given me their support, their feedback, their opinions, both in support of what I am doing and against. Yes, even those who are against it, I thank you. It is what I hoped for, that all views would at least stop and listen, if even for a minute.
I am tired, it's been quite the day. A day I shall always remember. Keep up the fight, those that can, long after my time has come and gone. :-)
rachel said...
Hi Penny, stumbled upon you by accident and have just read your entire journey over the last year. How you have not lost it is beyond me. I admire you very much. keep the thoughts and feelings coming, I will be reading them all
Monday, June 26, 2006
June 26, 2006
Appt with GP
Went to see my GP today and she did answer some questions that I had. She feels that the pain could be either gall stones, cancer in my gall bladder or cancer in the liver. If it's gall stones they could do surgery if I wanted. I really don't see the point in that however. She gave me a requisition for ultrasound to see if I can get it done faster at one of the clinics rather than wait for the one at the Cross on July 10th. I'll find out tomorrow. That will give us the answers. In the mean time she did give me a longer lasting painkiller so that I wasn't waking up in the morning in pain. It is still the percoset but a slow release one. Said to take the others for break through pain. Michael asked, "How much should she take of the other." She answered by saying as much as she wants. Funny how things change when your time is short. Not worried about getting addicted to anything. Just take what I need when I feel I need it.
So, it looks like I am right, the pain killers will be my friend over the next while. Not liking that but boy, without them, it's bad. Even getting my tattoo didn't hurt as much as this does and anyone who knows how much that hurt me will understand that one. :-) My tattoo was my 40th birthday present to myself. I always wanted one but to chicken to do it. Finally got up the nerve and then almost didn't get it finished due to the pain of it. I know, a lot of people think that funny, but I really did think it hurt. hehehehe
It sure seems that my life revolves around appointments, doctors, tests, lab work, then more appointments, more doctors, around and around. Was hoping that we could get away for a couple of weeks but now, due to the appointments and us moving, it will not be until sometime in August now. For me, that is so far away.
arctic dreamer said...
Hi Penny - I saw the article on you in the paper on Saturday & read your blog. It's a wonderful thing, to share yourself & your thoughts with us. Before I had brain surgery in 2001 I kept an audio diary on tape, but never dared let anyone else listen to it. Just this past winter I did. The things we learn...that the world is there for us & that we have more friends than we can ever imagine!
Take care, sister!
You are one amazing woman! From the bottom of my heart I thank you for sharing your journey with the world. Why? because we are all on a slippery slope but we haven't received the assignment yet, but I am sure everyone wonders what is it realy like to face the inevitable but are too afraid to ask..I wish you freedom from pain and make sure the docs provide you with whatever you require to acheive that. Keep writing when you can, because we need people like you to offer us what we don't know.
You are in my prayers to have freedom from a painful journey.
Helen
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
June 28, 2006
Not fun topic
hehehehe This really isn't funny but then again you gotta keep your sense of humor! hehehe
Yesterday was poop day for me. :-)
Oh my goodness, I said it. Yup, it was a heavenly day. Finally. Those narcotics really do make you constipated. Boy oh boy, and was I ever. I'm sure others on this journey have found this out. After 4 days I was desperate. So the doctor said for me to try something called Citri Mag. After drinking tons and tons of water all morning, then taking this stuff (which is awful btw), then drinking more water. Nothing, nada, zip! I waited 2 hours and still nothing and I'm thinking now, Oh my, there is no way I want the nurse here giving me an enema. I have to go! hehehehe
Believe it or not, another 2 hours later! Finally! Heaven! hehehehe
Now I just need to keep things working right. That isn't easy on this pain killer. So beware, be very aware, if you are taking any kinda of pain killers take the precautions needed so you aren't in my position.
I know this isn't a fun topic, but it is a part of this journey and must be recorded as it happens. :-)
Penny , you are amazing to share that with the world! But it is true constipation can occcur from pain killers.My dear daughter in law can attest to that. T3's after giving birth was not a good thing.She said she thought she was giving birth the second time.The things we take for granted..Thinking of you each day in my travels and wondering how you cope. You have some gift and thank you for sharing.
Helen
Friday, June 30, 2006
June 30, 2006
Under control
It seems things have gotten under control. The slow release pain meds are working pretty good. I find that last hour before I take another one can be a bit tough. It's a gentle reminder that things haven't gone away but that the pain meds are working.
So far, ummm, the other thing, is under control too. :-) Plan on keeping it that way!
So another waiting game; lets wait until July 10th for the ultra sound. Let's wait until July 18th to find out what is causing the pain. Wait, wait, wait. That's been a lot of what living with cancer is all about. I find it ironic as time is so precious yet it's always wait, let more time pass by. It's no wonder people in this position get so frustrated with waiting. Yet wait we do, patiently, as we have no choice..........
RoadRunnersUSA said...
I dont believe it for one single second! Patiently waiting? Nah - not you Penny - not patiently at all :-)
Glad the pain is under control and also "the other". Hopefully they both stay in smooth running mode.
Seriously, I know that waiting is a terrible thing to deal with and cannot begin to imagine how you manage to do so.
Hugs
Annie
Hi Penny
So happy your pain is under control. One can't concentrate on anything when you have pain.The waiting game must be horrible for you but that seems standard in our wealthy province of Alberta. My friend who has ALS, was on TV last
night. Diagnosed in Oct of 2004, last night she said she hopes she has the summer and hockey season. It's progressing so fast!Please think of her in journey.
Have a happy,summer day!
Hang in there, who are marvelleous.
Helen
Saturday, July 01, 2006
July 1, 2006
Happy Canada Day!
Happy Birthday Canada!
Happy day for all those who are walking the same journey as I. :-)
Enjoy this day as if it may be your last, live each day to the fullest, may your dreams come true. But if they don't, keep dreaming as what would life be without our dreams. :-)
I want to send special healing stardust to Helen's friend with ALS. I'll be praying for you as you walk your journey with this disease. My heart goes out to you and I'm fighting your fight with you in spirit.
Monday, July 03, 2006
July 3, 2006
Managing Pain
Yesterday was Kylie's 3rd birthday and I almost couldn't make it. That was tough. I kept thinking, "I'm not going to miss her birthday! It is probably the last one that I'll be at." That was harder than the pain I was experiencing.
The doctor has me on oxycontin, a slow release pain killer, which I take 1 every 12 hours. I also have oxycodone which she said to take for break through pain. Yesterday morning I took both and then just prior to leaving for the party in the afternoon, I need another oxycodone. This takes about 30-45 minutes to start working and for a little bit, it makes me feel all shaky, lightheaded, I break out into a sweat. Not a fun feeling. That lasts for about 15 minutes then things get better.
That was how I was feeling as we arrived at Chuk E Cheese. I just couldn't go into the restaurant right away and was so upset that I would miss it. Finally, after waiting a little longer things starting getting better and I was able to make it.
And a great birthday it was. She was so cute even though she hardly knew I was there she was having so much fun. :-) I'm so glad that I made it!
There is my love/hate relationship with these pain killers rearing it's ugly head already. I hate taking them but, without them, I would not be able to do things.
I am concerned that the oxycontin isn't enough. That, more and more, I need to take the extra dose to make it through. Have company coming and I'm not sure if I'm up to it. Don't know if I'll make it through. Mornings are the hardest for me.......
Hi Penny, my husband, who has cancer, hates taking pain pills also. A large slug of prune juice sometimes works. Actually, the ocologist nurse told us that heated prune juice, (ugh!), in the morning, is helpful. If you drink coffee, try a little before. Good luck, I'm thinking of you, you are very courageous to be sharing your story. Carol
Hello Penny,
I was diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago. I know what you mean about the stigma that goes with lung cancer also the lack of support groups for us. I hoppe that you will finally get a pallitive care doctor as I know from my experience with nursing my Dad that they are the only ones who understand and know the proper meds to help you.
rachel said...
Well done for making it to the party. The more I read of your blog, the more I am in awe of you and the expericences you are having. You are so brave to even begin to write about it.
I want to tag you so that others can read your story.
Chin up honey
Saturday, July 08, 2006
July 8, 2006 #2
Funny! Well Maybe Not So. hehehe
I don't write for days and then, bam, here I am again. :-)
I had an appointment with my GP to get some more of the percoset for break through pain on Wednesday and I was doing so bad I had to cancel so I asked if the doctor on call for their walk in clinic on Saturday would be able to write me the prescriptions and was told no problem.
Last night I set my alarm to get up. First of all, that alarm scared the she#t out of me. hehehe Been a long time since I've had to get up to an alarm. hehehe
Got to the Dr's office nice and early and there were only 2 people ahead of me so about a half hour wait. That's not so bad. I could live with that.
Once I was seen by the doctor and told her what I needed she said, I can't do it, I need a special prescription pad which is 3 parts and it's at my main office on the other end of the city. My heart dropped! I had 2 left! Only two!! What was I going to do. She said, I can give you tylenol 3's. My response was I have a whole drawer full of codeine, I don't need anymore of those. What am I to do? She had no answer except to try to explain that they don't carry those around with them because of the chance it might get on the street. These narcotics are wanted on the street.
Boy, I did I panic. I left in tears, went to Michael and he almost lost it. Went storming in there demanding that something be done. We finally both calmed down, left there and decided to try the Cross. Maybe someone there could get me a prescription.
You have to know the Cross........ on Saturday's it is dead in there. The in-patients are on the higher floors and the rest of the building is virtually empty except for security. I found someone and asked about getting my meds. They paged a nurse who then called me on the reception phone and said she thought there might be one doctor left from the morning rounds. After waiting a few minutes she called back. Pay dirt! A doctor was found and he would write me one once he saw my chart and could confirm that I was on those meds. So about another 1/2 hour wait and the nurse comes down with my prescription.
Here we are, trotting off to the pharmacy and I'm thinking, something is wrong, I just feel it. Michael takes it in and sure enough!
There is part of the prescription missing and they are not supposed to fill it without that part. Not sure what happened, how Michael handled that one, as I was waiting in the car. They finally say they will call somewhere to see if they can go ahead and fill it. Told him to come back in a few minutes.
Michael comes out to the car to tell me all of this and again, I panic. What am I going to do without more of these? Emergency? Maybe that is what I'll have to do.
I remembered writing not to long ago that I would shortly have a love/hate relationship with those white pills. Didn't realize how quickly it would be like that however.
My next thought was, okay, I have 2 left, if I wait until it is so bad I can hardly take anymore, I'll take one, maybe I can stretch these out until Monday.
Now, keep in mind, these are narcotics we are talking about, so after calming down, we realize why the control is so great on getting these things. They are worth money on the street, bigtime! My son said they are known as the poor man's heroin.
I've resolved that I can do it, I can make it through until Monday, if need be and that's when Michael returns with the pills in hand! Happy Happy day!
And, have I learned a good lesson too! Never leave these things for the last minute, never! You just never know what curve balls might come your way. :-)
Of course I'm smiling now.......... took one of those pills an hour ago, easy to smile now. :-)
And, inbetween all of this, I met with Fran for breakfast and we had, what I think might be our last visit together. She will be moving to Ontario at the end next week. I shall miss her so!!!! :-(
July 8, 2006
Ups and Downs
What a week, very up and down. Seems to flow with the pain meds. I'm really not liking them much. Every day is so different. One day I'll need extra, the next I won't. Went out for supper, didn't take any extra with me and by the time I was back home, phew, it was bad. Had to take my meds and just lay there for an hour before they started working.
Keep thinking to myself what if this was something serious. Funny hey, as if Cancer isn't serious! But, at this point, it's not the cancer that bothers me, what if it's something that requires immediate action and I sit and wait for the ultra sound, then I wait another 8 days before I will know what the ultra sound found. Man! Does that sound ridiculous or what? Sure does to me.
I wonder, because I'm seen as being terminal, probably close to the end, do I get the same care as anyone else, as someone who isn't terminal, someone who still has hope to survive? Or does the health care community say, she's going to die anyway so what is the point, really? I wonder if other terminal people have the same questions?
This brings to mind my last appointment at the GP's. She said, well, if it's gall stones all we could do is surgery and is there any point to doing that? I kind of laughed and said "I guess not". But now I'm thinking, hell, why not??? If it takes the pain away and if that is what would normally be the treatment, then why not? Strange how these things pop into my head at the strangest moments. hehehe Here it is 7:30 in the morning and these thoughts come to mind.
I should be thinking about how wonderful it is to see the sun shining, how wonderful it is to have this day, one more day in my life, wonderful and AMAZING!! :-)
Annie said...
God! What a woman you are! Amazing. I cannot wait to meet you :-)
Love
Annie
Hi Penn,
I'm so sorry that you are in pain.
You wrote your GP said is there any point in surgery. I had some
surgery two weeks ago and I only did that because is was minor surgery. You have to wait for the results ofcourse but I would ask the oncologist about it. I understand that you feel like you're not worth the trouble because you're terminal , but I don't think that's it.
If you feel that way, i really would try to express these thoughts to the doctor. If you ask you get answers. I don't know how you say that in English but in Dutch it's something like "If the chicken doesn't squeak it's alright and why bother". Squeak Pen.
Anne
Penny,
I think I told you I had my gallbladder removed using the laser technique & it wasn't bad at all. I sure wouldn't have wanted to live with that pain. I was pacing the floor all night when it came on. That was Saturday night & they did surgery Monday. Was back at work the following week with just a sore throat.
If it's something like that, I hope you ask for relief & get it.
On the other hand, Charlie had a testicle that kept filling with fluid. Had to be drained a number of times (almost painless). Corrective surgery, though offered, would have incapacated him 6 weeks. He elected not to have it.
Please don't feel unworthy of treatment. You are our precious Penny. It should be YOUR choice.
Gloria
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
Annie said...
Hellllllllllllooooooooooooo my friend!
:-)
Love ya
Annie
July 13th
Hope you had a better night, Penny.
5 more days and you will find out the results and that will keep you some peace- to know or not to know.
Helen
July 11, 2006
Ultrasound
Finally, the ultrasound was done yesterday. They wouldn't tell me anything however. The doctor needs to look at the pictures and write her report, then pass it onto the oncologist who I will see on the 18th.
Waiting............
You would think I'd be used to the waiting by now. Not! hehehe
Made another trip to my GP last night to be sure I would have enough of the oxycontin to last me a while. I asked her what happens when I can't make it into the office for these things.
Guess what! It's really very simple and I had no idea.
The home care nurse will call her, she then gets the prescription to home care and they bring me the meds. I guess that is part of home care. Wouldn't you know it, that simple and I never thought of calling them.
I really need to get into this home care business a little better I think. LOL
Today, so far, has been a much better day. Feeling a little more normal though I've been wondering what kind of living this is. Feels more like an existence rather than living lately. I sure hope that once I have this pain under control properly, I can go back to living!
I so hope that the ultrasound will bring back some good news for a change, something that is fixable (like gallstones) and we can go in, fix it and get me off these pain pills. Get back to living.
I still haven't figured out this whole part of the journey with cancer. How do you live with the pain and still have a life. Maybe it's just me. Maybe once we get moved back into our own house, I'll get a routine back. The planner and organizer in me wants to get organizing and planning! LOL
We sure have been spoiled staying with my parents the last couple of weeks. It's been really nice and I hope I don't take to much of an advantage of them. They make it so easy to do. :-)
Shortly after moving in here, my mom was going for an afternoon nap and told me to holler if I needed anything. I giggled and said "Where's my bell?" Well, low and behold, the next thing I have sitting next to me is a bell to ring for her services! Just like when we were small and home sick from school. Brought back lots of memories so the next day I rang the bell (had to ring it 5 times before she heard it! LOL). I requested the standard peanut butter and honey toast, cut into squares of course. A minute later, there it was, just like wayyyyyy back when! hehehehe Only this time I ate the crust. :-)
So did she serve it on the Peter Rabbit dishes? That's cute. She probably enjoyed doing that for you too.
We happened to have an old-fashioned bicycle horn - the kind you squeeze. I'd tuck C in with it near just in case he needed me. We also had walkie-talkies for when I worked outside.
Enjoy being spoiled! You deserve it!
G
rachel said...
The bell is lovely, and the sandwiches too. Even when we are grown up, we still need a bit of babying sometimes. I'm really glad you enjoyed your time at home, I'm sure that when you get your routine back, and get back to normality, everything will settle down. Keep us posted on your scan results.
Fingers crossed
God Bless you and keep giving you strength to endure what he has in store. You are such a special person. It takes much courage and strength to do what you are doing with pennys for cancer. I look forward to hear good results from your tests yesterday.
Wednesday, July 12, 2006
July 12, 2006
Not a good night. Woke up at 3:30 and had to take an extra pill for the pain.
Counting down the days to the 18th. Need to find out what this is.........
rachel said...
Sending a big hug of support to you Penny. Not long to go now
Friday, July 14, 2006
July 14, 2006
Changed my meds again. Now taking 2 of the oxicontin in the morning and 1 at night and then taking a couple of the oxicodone (percoset) inbetween. Seems to be working better this way though I'm more tired and spacey. But hey, spacey is better than hurting. :-)
Had Neressa and Kylie spend the night on Wednesday night. That was so much fun! Poor Mom and Dad did most of the work and I just got to enjoy them. My favorite parts were when the girls just wanted to sit and cuddle with me. It was so nice! Have to say they sure did wear me out though. So much energy in one house for so long. I think I lost 10 lbs watching them run around. hehehe
Neressa even made my bed for me and then both her and Kylie set about cleaning the bathrooms for great grandma. *giggle* So cute! Of course, we made cookies as that was one of the first things Kylie said we had to do. They went home with a bag full of very sweet chocolate chip cookies.
What a warm fuzzy day it was! :-)
Annie said...
Beautiful! All of you! :-)
Sounds like a really wonderful day.....
Love
Annie
X
Penny , so glad you were able to have quality time with your little ones and the very sweet cookies will not hurt thrm, just a good sugar fix.Glas your meds are working even though "spacey" comes with the territory, but that is better than any pain you have to endure. Thinking of you everyday and wonder just how on earth you cope. Your character is one of a kind, my dear. Hang in there and keep making cookies. I look forward to your blog each day.
Fondly. Helen
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
July 18, 2006
The ultrasound Results
So this is it in a nut shell. The cancer has spread, is spreading pretty quickly. I have 3 options:
1. Chemo again that may extend my life by 4 - 5 months
2. A trial drug - no idea what that will do but side effects are the same as chemo
3. Pain Control - make my life as best as possible.
My choice is #3.
This means I will be transferred to the pain specialists and I go tomorrow from 12 - 5 pm for assessment. They will also refer me to a palliative care GP that will work with home care, and pain care.
Once this cancer starts spreading, it usually does so fairly quickly, he mentioned 6 - 8 weeks but Michael says no, he didn't say that. I say he did. Either way, it does go pretty fast and that, of course is a median number, half do worse, half do better.
The pain in the stomach area is from the cancer grown to the lymph nodes, not anything to do with the gall bladder or liver. The pain will be managed, that's about all they can do at this time.
Not sure how I feel about all this just yet. It hasn't really registered except that I know, this is the beginning of the end......... hope that I can stay strong...........
Get the pain under control and then you can revisit your options
We are all praying for you Penny.
Sending our love.
Tom, Miranda, presley & Dawson
Annie said...
You are in my heart.
*hugs*
Annie
x
God bless you, brave lady. You are in my prayers.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
July 19, 2006
A few tears last night. Hard to write down how it all feels. Seems the words aren't there.
I will not see my new grandbaby come into this world. Pete and Julie will make wonderful parents, I just know that. I feel that it's a baby girl too. As soon as I knew she was pregnant I also knew it was a girl. Pete told me yesterday, they will name her Penny-Lee if it is. That makes me cry. Is there ever a good time to die? Not really. There are always things up coming, things you must hang on for. I can sure keep finding them each day. So, no, there is no good time to die. The time will be when it will be.
Maybe my out look will be better once I have the pain gone. Will it really be gone? Can they do that? I wonder? Or will it just make it tolerable?
I think about the next couple of months and wonder what I will have the energy to do. Even now, it's all I have to go out for a couple of hours. To have visitors is tough.
I feel at times that I just want people to go away, leave me alone and let me work through this myself. I read somewhere that people tend to want to be alone during the early last stages of life. Is that what it is? I don't want people seeing me hurting, or lethargic, seeing someone who isn't really me. Yet, I want to have people close to me too.
Michael asked me last night what he could do for me over the next while. That was hard to answer as I have all that I need from him. He's been so wonderful through all this and I just can't imagine how hard it's been for him to keep his spirits up and to keep staying strong for me. I asked him to help me spend time with Tanya, Jesse and the girls and with Pete and Julie. Not that I don't want to see others but I want to have as much time with my kids and granddaughters as I can.
I really need to get those sweaters done! Kylie's is almost finished, then onto Neressa's and now I need to get one done for the new baby......... *tears*
My heart is full of emotions and I am praying for you Penny. I admire your strength,courage and optimistic approach. You do not know me, and I do not know you personally, but I feel I do thru this blog and I was waiting anxiously to hear your results.You have a wonderful family by the sounds of it and Michael sounds very supportive and caring. God Bless you all.
God Bless you Penny and may he give you the strength to continue the rest of your journey on this earth with as much dignity and courage as you have shown so far. One never knows how they will react or manage if they are given the cross to bare that you have been given. You have given yourself unselfishly and certainly have made an impact on many many people for many years to come. I was sorry to hear about the results of your tests, and will keep you and your loved ones in my prayers. God Bless you always.
Remember, never lose hope.
My friend
You are what is in your heart, not the limitations your body is putting on you at this stage.
You are an incredibly strong woman and we are very fortunate to share in your life.
See you soon
love and tears with you too.
Annie
Xx
Thursday, July 20, 2006
July 20, 2006
Pain Clinic
Once again the Cross has come through. I can't praise the people that work there enough!
Arrived at 11:30 yesterday, had blood taken, then up to the 4th floor for the pain and symptoms assessment. It's quite surprising how 5 hours can fly by. I met with a palliative care nurse first who took my history of pain down. Next was a social worker to see if I required any financial assistance. Then a occupational therapist who told me about loaning a wheel chair from them, which I think I will do. She said, even if I only use it the odd time, at least I have it should I need it. A Chaplin was next. We had a very nice chat and he said that people who are spiritual tend to do much better when facing terminal illness than people who have no belief. He also prayed with me and I truly felt uplifted after his visit. From there, an intern student of oncology spent about 20 minutes. All this took approx. 4 hours. They all meet together with the palliative care doctor and go over everything with him prior to him meeting with me.
I was sent for an x-ray while they were in conference. The doctor I meet with was probably one of the best doctor I have ever met. I can see why he does what he does. He truly shows compassion for his patient, at least he did with me and I don't think I'm unique.
The out come was a change in meds. I'm now taking 10 mg of oxicodone every 4 hrs along with an increase of the laxative I've been taking. The x-ray showed that I'm at 11.5 out of 12 for constipation! AAKK!! Not good! So guess what? Yup, gotta have home care come by and take care of that again. He said it's not unusual for this to happen over and over again. Not fun.
I started on the new meds last night at 8pm and again at 12am, 4am and 8 am this morning and I do have to say, I felt better this morning than I have in a long while. It's a bit of a pain getting up to take them at night but I don't sleep through the night anyway so it really isn't a big deal.
I need to keep a pain and meds log now for a week and then go back to see them next Wednesday for a much shorter visit.
So my outlook today is much better than it has been. Michael said last night he thought I even looked better, there was a difference in my voice even. Having people who really care and show concern, who want to work with you to find a better way, sure do make a difference in your own outlook. :-)
Dear Penny;
I have been reading your blog since the story in the newspaper. My Mother died 5 years ago from the same cancer you have. She had the same issues that you have had. But she wasn't able to tell us what she was feeling and thinking. Thank you for writing all this down for me. It helps us all to understand a little better. I think of you all the time. I am sending pink feng shui light your way, to help you with your pain.
Mary in Edmonton
so you really are "full of it", huh!? :-)
I am SO glad you are feeling better and that you have a really great team right there with you. I bet that makes all the difference
Love ya
Annie
Sounds like you are in great hands and you are being treated like a person and not a disease.
Just found out one of my co workers daughter in law diagnosed at 43 with stage V lung cancer. Perhaps it is time to shop again, at Pennies for cancer, Alex
Lisa said...
Penny - can you take the clinical trial drug and also go to the pain clinic? I don't understand why these choices are mutually exclusive.. ???
Thank God you have a compassionate, caring Dr. in palltive care. These people are special so take everything they offer as they are "specialists" in their field. Thank you for continuing to share with us your journey, as I'm sure news like this no ones wants to share, but we your fans want to be your source of strength and a ray of hope to keep your pain in check.
People do care, but if you are not up to the visits, etc, they will understand, too. Make sure the alarm is set for your meds.
Keep in touch.
Fondly,
Helen
Just checking in to see how you are doing. I will keep you in my prayers. Hope you are having a good weekend.
God Bless
Monday, July 24, 2006
July 24, 2006
Thank you!
It's so inspiring to get feedback from people from all over the world. I truly want to thank each one of you that leave me a message (or 2 or 3!). I love to read them and they really do help when days are tough and help when I'm doing great too. They make me thankful for all I do have! Makes me feel like I have connected to some in some way and that's what this is all about. All of you, each and everyone, are in my prayers each day. I hope that I, in turn, make a difference for you also! sending you all a lot of hugs!!
Had a couple of really tough days right after the pain clinic. Then yesterday was like a new day. :-) Not that the pain isn't there, it is all the time, but it didn't get really bad yesterday for more than 15 - 20 minutes so it makes life so much nicer.
Feeling pretty good this morning too. It's tough trying to find, once again, my sense of normality. Normal for me is changing again. Very hard for me to go out for more than a couple of hours each day, and then that depends on what we are doing. It's easiest when we are visiting where I can lay down should I need to. I do get tired so quickly.
The heat the last week hasn't helped much either, with temps in the mid 30's. Hot, very hot for here. Hard to be comfortable in the heat.
A week tomorrow and we move into our own place. I can't wait to get in there and make it our home. We really need our home again. And to have Shadow back! It's been almost a year since we had to send her out to Bob's.
Petra will be here on Wednesday also! Another something to look forward to. It will be so good to see her again. We thought Christmas would be the last so we've been blessed with more time together. I hope that I continue to feel good and we can have a good visit.
Don't set your goals so low, all your days should be like today...Alex
Pen, I wish I could show up on your new doorstep with a big hug and a bottle of bubbly! You know you are a inspiration to all of us; those battling and the care givers alike. God Bless You.
ihqnklt
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
July 26, 2006
Will NOT get the best of me!
I am determined to hang around!
I will not let this pain get the best of me!
I am going to fight to stay on this journey for as long as possible!
Night time is tough, late afternoon's are tough, just seems that the more meds I take, the more I need.
Found another lump last night. Upper left breast bone. It's about the same size as the other was when I first noticed it and this one is also painful to touch.
Michael was giving me a gentle back rub last night, it always seemed to take my mind off the pains in my stomach area. This time however, it hurt, even a gently rub down my spine hurt. Didn't like that one little bit. Not a good sign.
Still not eating a lot though I can eat most anything that I feel like, it just doesn't appeal to me and often will make the pain worse after I eat so I tend to shy away from eating. Fresh fruit is nice, especially the melons. Watermelon, honey dew, cantaloupe, with a little strawberries mixed in is the best thing for breakfast!
Finished knitting Kylie's sweater yesterday! Started it the first week of June, June 9th I think, so this one took me almost 2 months. Have two more to go, one for Neressa and one for the new baby. That will take me into November. :-) I think I will look for a different sweater for Neressa however, something that won't take quite so long to do. Also, will crochet the baby something as that goes faster also. I want to get them both done and I'm not so sure November is realistic these days.
Annie has hit the road and they are on their 2 month journey to raise funds and awareness for leukemia and cancer in general. They have Pennies for Cancer signs all around the "Bakkie". Now, if you want to know what a "Bakkie" is, then check it out at http://www.roadrunnersusa.com/ and click on the updates from the road button. :-)
Remember way last year when your docs thought you wouldn't be traveling in January? Then you took off on a long road trip months later to...almost everywhere! Flew from one end of Canada to the other whenever you got the urge. Not to mention SF. Had a song written to you AND recorded.
You're keeping your focus on what you want to do, seizing those sweet moments, creating heirlooms for your family. AND bringing lots awareness to the human side of lung cancer. And you're looking GOOD!
It's not over until it's over. So knit one, purl two, then Petra, then new house, then Annie, then who knows what! I hope you see the kids throwing snowballs in their new sweaters!
So are you going to post a pic?
Much love,
Gloria
Saturday, July 29, 2006
July 29, 2006
First of all, my visit at the Cross to see the pain and symptoms team went really well. The doctor himself spent about 3/4 of an hour with me and I finally received some answers. I found out that the ultrasound shows the cancer in a lot of the lymph nodes in the abdomen area and that is the cause of the pain. He says they would be pushing on nerves, blocking blood vessels, pushing on organs, causing the pain. Not sure why no one else could tell me this previously. We also talked about the 6 - 8 week time frame and he thinks I have longer than that, but also cautioned that no one really knows. I could be hit by a car tomorrow. So true. Just keep living the best that I can and not worry about tomorrow!
Here is Kylie trying on her "Grandma" sweater for the first time. It was so hot, yet she wouldn't take it off! Kids, they sure know how to touch your heart! Then Neressa 
sits on my lap today and says, Grandma it's so hot. Of course, I tell her that she doesn't have to sit on my lap if she's to hot. She says, "But I want to and I want to tell you that I'm never going to smoke and that I know there is no cure for lung cancer." This is from my 7 year old! She just knows the right things to say. She's been so loving and cuddly with me, like she knows that it means a lot to me somehow. She always tells me that her build a bear is always close to her and it sits on her bed all the time. :-)
My visit with Petra has been amazing! We have had such a nice chance to just sit and talk. Always like that time with her. The first day she was here wasn't quite so good. I slept most of it away. The doctor had increase my meds from 10 mg every 4 hours to 15 mg every 4 hours and that just wiped me out the first day taking them. Today was much better, much, much better. Petra had a chance to go out for supper with Paula and Dennis, then off to the casino for a little gambling where she doubled her money! Lucky girl.
Today, Trish and Dennis came by early, around noon, for the family bar-b-q tonight. So we showed Petra how to play Texas holdem. I think she's hooked now! *giggle* She wants to start a Texas holdem club in Prague. She did pretty good for her first time too. She was also able to spend time with Pete and Julie and then of course everyone was over tonight and they had a nice visit with her. She said she's had a wonderful time anyway so I'm so glad. She is out on the town with Tanya this evening and I'm being a mother hen, waiting up for her to get back home. Hmmmmm, haven't done that in years and never for Petra. LOL Making up for lost time. :-)
Hi Penny - thanks for the update. Although I have never met you, you are always on my mind and prayers ever since I heard your story. I have no doubt that with your positive attitude and determination you will finish both Neressas sweather as well as the new Grandchilds. Perhaps with Gods grace you will see another Christmas as well. You do look amazing and I admire your strength. It is so nice that you are able to enjoy the love and company of your family and friends at this time. Your Grandchildren are absolutely adorable.
God Bless you all!
Penny.. loved your pics of your grandgirls.. I have a Kylie also.. except mine is KYLEE..lol.. I am so glad you are getting to spend time with them and taking pictures. These will mean so much to them in the years to come.. they will both know what a loving wonderful grandma you were. Praying for you still.
Rhonda
love ya! See you soon.........
Hi Penny - I know you probably have gotten a lot of advice and ideas for miracle cures, however have you heard of or tried Essiac Tea? I have heard of many cures and if nothing more, a slow down of the cancer. Worth a try eh? check it out on the internet Rene Caisse "Essiac - spelt backwards"
God Bless
Here's hoping you are feeling better going into August, 2006. Please know you have a whole lot of people rootin for you. You are continually in our prayers. May the deal Lord keep giving the strength you need to continue on your journey and complete those projects which you so desire.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
August 2, 2006
Annie is here!
We finally got to meet. The PFC girls together at last! Yippee!
Annie and Frank pulled up in their "bakkie" around 5 pm yesterday after getting settled in their campground just a couple of blocks down the road from us. Of course she was wearing her shit kickers. hehehehe Kinda wearing them anyway. Had them hung on her hips like six shooters as they were way to small for her to wear. Unfortunately, Michael had our camera and I didn't get a picture of her with them "on" but it was a great site. :-) They will be staying here for 4 days by the looks of things. I'm so glad. I will do as much as I can but if nothing else, we'll at least have the time together.
On their way to here, they went through Cranbrook, BC. At part of the country where I have relatives so I sent off a quick email to Miranda and her and Tommy got the ball rolling. Very quickly as a matter of fact. Annie and Frank were stopping stopping to buy some blankets as they forgot to pack any. (You can understand, going from 90 degree weather in Tennessee down to 45 degrees in the mountains, they sure needed those blankets). Tommy arrange for Annie to speak with the local TV station and the local newspaper. He did a superb job in arranging all that in such a short time. My hats off to both Tommy and Miranda for pulling that off! Thank you so much!
Feeling not to bad this morning. Well enough to have a second cup of coffee which I haven't been able to do in a few weeks now. I will have one more visit, next week, with the pain clinic then they will pass me onto my GP and home care for the rest of my care. They want to get me on a long acting med once they get the dose down right before moving onto my GP.
Was nice to sleep in my own bed last night. It funny how you get attached to a bed. hehehe Was great staying at mom and dad's for the short bit but nice to be "home" now! And with Shadow back too and my first taste of dog hair on the carpet again. Gotta love it! :-)
Hi Penny and Annie - Wow,what can one say - two brave ladies!!!! Have a blast. - Kate
I am so happy for the two of you to finally meet after all you have gone through.
Have a banger time!!!!
RoadRunnersUSA said...
Penny, you are truely an awesome lady! It is such a privilege to be able to spend time with you and Michael too.
Lotsalove
Annie
Friday, August 04, 2006
August 4, 2006
The meds seem to be settling in a little better the last couple of days. I've been able to do a little more physically each day and not have the need to sleep the whole day away either. I am still finding that I need about 2 hour nap in the afternoon and then again am very tired around supper time.
The pain is still there but for the most part it is tolerable. I am finding that it changes too. Now it seems to focus around my ribs and back. Seem to have some problems with breathing also. Deep breaths will give me a dull pain in the middle of my chest and it all feels like I have a 100 lb weight pressing on my torso all the time.
Looks like I've found another lump coming up along a rib in the right back area. Those pressure points are where it hurts to lay down on, pretty soon, at this rate, there won't be a position to lay in that won't hurt.
Annie and I were talking about how quiet I've was over the last month and she mentioned how I became "distant" to her and I know I did the same to others also. It was like I had this "leave me alone" desire. A desire to just shut out the world as my whole focus was fighting the pain. That fight left me exhausted. No time to really share with others they way I had been previously doing. Just keeping up with my blog was, at a point, getting to be hard. Didn't even have the energy to do that.
Hope that has passed for now. I hope that the people I pushed away, or ignored, will understand. I love them all and loved getting the calls, emails, kind words. Please forgive me for not responding to you. Those messages meant a lot to me during that time and still do.
I do believe that I'll have more times like this as the cancer spreads and time goes on so, even if you don't always hear back from me, know that you mean a lot to me, that you still take the time to make me a part of your live each day or week. With our busy lives I know that isn't always easy and I know for some, it gets to be to much and it becomes easier to move past this relationship as the end comes closer. I understand, I truly do.............
Penny, on behalf of everyone out here, you have nothing to apologize for. You have more strength, faith and motivation than anyone I have ever met. You have inspired so many people including myself and my goodness, if you don't feel well, you don't feel well! I guess what I want to say, is that there are so many people out here that truly care about you even if we haven't met face to face, you are a part of our lives. Personally, I keep you in my prayers all the time. God Bless you.
Hi Penny:
Don't worry about what others think or do- that's their problem, just concentrate on Penny.So what if you don't feel like writing for a few days, we'll understand, but I sure do miss your blogs when they are not there. How is she doing, I hope her pain is managable,I hope she is not too tired ,are things that go through my mind wondering about you and praying that your pain is gone or at least tolerable so that you can still do things that you have and want to accomplish.I truly admire your fight!Only special gifted people can share that with us who are amazed how you cope and can still share with what it's really like to fight this monster. Our neigbour just informed me that he has "lining of the stomach" cancer. He expects results from tests next week. Gawd, this monster is all over!
Take care and keep on knitting!
Fondly,
Helen
Sunday, August 06, 2006
August 6, 2006
Seems like I just feel that I've made some headway with the pain and BAM, it hits again with a vengeance. Spent most of the day yesterday in bed, taking 3 doses of breakthrough meds over and above my regular every 4 hour dose.
Yesterday was Annie and Frank's last day with us too so that didn't help things any. I wanted to spend way more time with them. My family came over for pizza dinner with them and they entertained for the most part as I wasn't very good for much of the time.
Needless to say, the tears flowed when Annie and Frank were leaving. It was so hard to see them walk out that door, knowing I won't see them again in my life time. They are beautiful people and I've been blessed just to have had this time with them. When they left our place, I cried my self to sleep. It was the whole thing that got to me, them leaving, my family all around me and I couldn't enjoy it, the pain at some of it's worst, the cancer, having it sucks. It all just really got to me last night. I feel like I'm not living, I'm existing. That's not fun. All I was hoping for, when the time came, was to take me quickly, no pain please........
Doesn't look like I'm going to be so lucky.
Tanya and I had a good cry yesterday also. Her and Jesse stopped by before going camping and she asked what was causing the pain. I showed her the lump of cancer growth and I guess it just brought it to reality for her. She cried so hard and just kept saying no, no, no. That was hard, we cried together for some time. Seeing something like that brings the cancer to reality. It's something that you can actually see now, it's not this "hidden" enemy that no one can see. Makes it real. Knowing that those types of lumps are inside me causing this pain.
It is hurting to even drink now. I keep hearing, you need to get lots of fluids, drink more, drink more. Even to drink makes things worse. Eating is even harder. Yesterday I had 1/2 a peach, one slice of pizza. I know that's not good. I know I need to eat more and drink more. Nothing appeals to me. I go to my fridge and open the door, look inside, nothing in there appeals to me at all. How do you keep eating? Now I'm really thankful that I gained all that weight. Someone sure knew better than I. I've lost 20 lbs over the last month and a half already. Thank goodness I still have 30 I can stand to lose. I'm sure the extra weight is helping me fight this fight. This is the toughest round of all. So far anyway.......
Praying for you Penny.
Rhonda
Lisa said...
More prayers coming!
Lisa
Penny, it is always hard to say goodbye and my heart aches in hearing what you are going through. You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I wish I could take your pain away. In the mean time,please know we all care. You have a beautiful family and a host of awesome friends. God Bless you as you continue your journey towards the next.
To our favorate blog buddy..... Penny - hope you are feeling better today and the pain has eased off.
Lotsa hugs and prayers
RoadRunnersUSA said...
There are no words, just wishes and they don't help much now either. It was such a blessing to spend time with you, Penny - you have enriched my life in ways that cannot be put into words. It's difficult to believe that our visit is over....... I wish it was still to come.
Your family are wonderful and it was so special to meet all of them too.
You will always be with me, Penny and I truely hope that at the very least, the worst of the pain leaves you.
See ya, my friend, see ya.
Lots and lots of love, stardust and aurora light shards too.
Annie
XXXXXxxxx
Worried about you Penny.I hope you are getting pain relief, if not call your Dr.'s .There is no way you should have this unbearable pain. Someone can help you. Call the Grey Nuns Pallitive Care if you have to.
My heart goes out to you because of your suffering
Fondly,
Helen
Thursday, August 10, 2006
August 10, 2006
Pain update
A very long day yesterday at the pain clinic. Left home at noon and arrived back home at 7 pm, then had to wait for the home care nurse to come over.
The first thing we did was discuss the fact that the pain doctor, rad onc, and my original onc had a meeting prior to me attending the clinic so that everyone was aware of the treatment options. The one lump that I have, they can do radiation on it once it bothers me enough to warrant. I don't think that one does at this time. The lymps nodes around the stomach, they will not do radiation treatment to as he said the side effects would be worse than what I have now. To close to the stomach.
So after that conversation, he did two x-rays again to get up to date pics and will forward them to the radiation onc to see what he says at this point, if he sees any change that would bring radiation back into the picture.
What he saw in the pics were some after affects from the previous radiation, one of the tumours is pushing against the oesophagus and the right lower lobe might have some fluid.
The blood tests are showing a possibility that cancer might be in the liver now. They will follow that as we go along.
Now for the pain. It's a trial and error. He said oxycodone is a good pain killer, we just need to find the right dose for me. So I'm now on 22.5mg every 4 hours and 20mg every hour if needed for breakthrough. We will watch how I do on this over the next week. I am also getting fluids through an IV at night for the next 7 days to be sure that I'm flushing the toxins out from the oxycodone. It's a long process. So far my body is showing good response to the oxycodone as the blood tests are fine, except for the liver of course. He is pretty sure that the pain I'm experiencing is radiated pain from my stomach that radiates to my back and not originating in my back.
Tired this morning. Didn't sleep will with the IV in. Have to get used to that now.
Lotsa love & prayers coming your way Penny & Michael. Keep fighting.
Tom and Miranda
I want to thank you so much for your blog, it has helped me to understand, when my sister was sick with ovarian cancer....Please be strong, you have great support from family an friends. I hope you will do well and I pray for miracles! Carolyn
Penny - I hope the pain has eased off and you are able to deal with it better. Just checking in to see how you are doing. Keeping you in my prayers and hoping for that miracle . God Bless you always.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
August 12, 2006
Have we found the Right dose??
Just a short update.
I've been on another higher dose of the oxycodone since Wednesday and today has been one of my better days of the last 3 weeks or so.
Still not quite used to the higher dose in the sense of feeling spaced out and sleepy, but the pain has not gone above 3 or 4 and then that's usually right before my next dose.
I was able to go out for breakfast today and even eat a little, 2 pieces of bacon, a couple bites of scrambled eggs, 1/2 a piece of toast and 1/2 a glass of apple juice! Happy day!
Not much since then, a little fruit but it's the most I've been able to eat in the last week for sure.
Now I'm taking 22.5 mg of oxycodone every 4 hours and can take an additional 15 mg every hour in between if needed. So far I have only taken 1 breakthrough dose and that was Wednesday evening at 10pm.
Also getting about 1 litre of a sodium cloride by IV under the skin each night. Will be starting the 4th litre tonight, 3 left to go.
Happy dance :-)
Glad to hear there is at least a ray of sunshine shining through! Here's hoping you have a comfortable sleep tonight Penny.
Lotsa hugs and prayers.
RoadRunnersUSA said...
Such good news - your writing even sounds lighter... I am SO glad, my friend. May that IV not bug you tonight at all!
Now I will have to go and get those sh*tkickers and dance too!
Lotsalove and a big gentle hug. :-)
Annie
XXxxxxxx
Penny,
I am SO happy to read you had a good day & went out for breakfast no less! I remmeber breakfast is your favorite for eating out.
The hydration can probably go a long way toward your comfort. It is probably difficult for you to drink as much liquid as you need.
I hope you have many more good days! Yes, your writing is 'lighter.'
Love,
Gloria
8Tuesday, August 15, 2006
August 15, 2006
Not so sure now
Not so sure we have the meds to right dose yet. Had to take 3 break through doses yesterday, one at 11:00 am, one at 2:00pm and one at 10:00pm.
Between the extra pain again and the IV, I might sleep for 2 hours over the evening periods. Tired of typing I'm tired. LOL Unfortunately, I am. :-(
Had a new home care nurse come over yesterday and she said: "You look so familiar?" Turned out she seen the CTV interview that they did on Pennies for Cancer.
PFC has been very disappointing for me. I had all these expectations of how I might help lung cancer but I just can't seem to get people in there buying. Maybe over time. Maybe someone will see the point behind it and things will pick up.
I just don't have it in me anymore to fight that fight. I'm sure that is why lung cancer just doesn't get the funds it requires. People that it matter to just can't fight that fight long enough to make a difference.
I'm also, always amazed with the feed back that we receive for PFC. How people think it's wonderful, how professional it looks and how they love the idea behind it. Not to many of those people have actually gone in and bought something though. :-)
Oh well, I'm proud of what Annie and I have accomplished and I'm sure that Annie and Trish will take it above and beyond what I every thought it would be.
Nap time........
I have periodically been following your blog and find it very inspirational to those who have cancer of any type, those who's lives are somehow touched by the terrible disease. I was surprised today to see your disappointment in peoples lack of purchases from the PFC site. Perhaps accolades and kudos to a job well done are all folks can offer. Sometime a spoon full of awareness is better than a bucket full of cash.
Penny - absolutely do not feel discouraged. You have touched so many people and it is hard to put a price on that!!! Also these types of things take time and the results may show up over time and even if it just makes people aware, you have done your job...... Big time. Luv ya
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
August 16, 2006
Don't lose perspective!
I had this comment last night on my blog and just had to respond. :-)
"Anonymous said...
I have periodically been following your blog and find it very inspirational to those who have cancer of any type, those who's lives are somehow touched by the terrible disease. I was surprised today to see your disappointment in peoples lack of purchases from the PFC site. Perhaps accolades and kudos to a job well done are all folks can offer. Sometime a spoon full of awareness is better than a bucket full of cash."
Thank you so much for putting it back into perspective for me. Awareness is what it is all about, more so than money! That was the point of this journal of my battle with cancer. To help others understand what the journey is all about, the ups and downs, the wins and loses. To help others who are just beginning, to help others that never had the chance to hear from their loved one what they went through.
Pennies for Cancer will do what it will do. Just people looking and enjoying the prints that are there on line is enough. Every thing that each person is able to give just adds to the pile towards the cure, be it time, thoughts, prayers, money, kindness to others. It all affects the goal.
So thanks again "Anonymous" for bringing it back to me! *hugs to you* Just another way I have been touched by a stranger, another way I have been blessed by another. :-)
Thank you to all who have been apart of PFC, be it by reading, noticing, passing it on, sharing. All of that has touched me so much. I feel so selfish that I would be so concerned about the "bottom line". That is not what it is about! It's about being there, sharing of one's self as much as you can, giving in your own way, be it just a kind word, a note saying I'm thinking of you.
Thank you to all who have done that for me and for others!!!!
RoadRunnersUSA said...
Dear Penny
You and anonymous are right, so right. But that won't stop us from trying to make it a great success - so it can help even more people as the years go by, even just to be a place where they can see that someone cares.
You are about the least most selfish person I have ever met, my friend, and I do know that the 'bottom line' mattered to you because a good one would make a big difference to many people out there. You were not being selfish in worrying about it the way you were........
You are an incredible woman and so many of us have been touched and blessed by you.
Hugs
Annie
Penny,
You are an amazing woman. Thank you for sharing your journey with us all. In June I lost my former husband (the father to my 14 year old daughter) to small cell lung cancer -- he lasted only 15 weeks from diagnosis and never admitted he was not going to make it. Consequently, although we visited often (every few days and every day in the week before he died) we never had a chance to say good bye and neither did any of his family members. It is therefore helpful to me to read your blogs to better understand what he went through before his death. He never let on about the pain, although we knew he was suffering. Thank you for sharing your journey and may God be with you and your family through this difficult time. Please know that you have touched many lives and have given great comfort to many -- including those you will never meet -- it is all of us who should be comforting YOU. God's peace be with you.
Karen
Friday, August 18, 2006
August 18, 2006
Rollercoaster again
.... and I've always hated rollercoasters, still do. :-(
Thursday I woke up in pain. Early Thursday, around 2 am. Took a break thru meds almost every hour until 8 am.
Home care came by to, once again, look after the bm issues from the meds after 7 days of having none. That was probably half of the reason for the pain. Took all day to finally have some relief again from that. I would say I rated my pain at 8 - 10 for the whole day. Finally later in the afternoon the home care received a call from the doctor to increase my regular dose of oxycodone from 22.5 mg to 40 mg every 4 hours and left the breakthroughs at 15 mg as required.
After 2 doses of the regular meds, around 10 pm that evening, the pain had finally dropped to about a 2.
Spent the whole day in bed through all of this. I was looking forward to seeing how today would go.
The pain today, thus far, as been between 2 and 4 and I've been really sleepy. Seems the pain increase along with the amount of time I spend sitting up. Sitting pushes more pressure on the ab areas and the pain increases.
Have to say, today was a much better day even so. I slept a lot of the morning, dozing off and all until 1pm, was sitting up for about 1 hour, then actually slept, slept for 1.5 hours! Been sitting up and dozing a little since then (now 7:30pm) and the pain has increased from 2 to 4 on the scale.
So, now, wait and see how the drowsiness does, how the pain stays low, are we getting there yet? Sure do hope so.
BTW, the pain scale is 0 to 10 with 10 being the worst.
RoadRunnersUSA said...
Hey there Penny
I have been sending good vibes to you for days now.
I hope tonight is a good restful night - and that the upping of the dose does the trick.
Miss you lots
*hugs*
Annie
I'll keep you in my prayers. Hope you have a good sleep tonight. God Bless you Penny.
RoadRunnersUSA said...
I was just heading off for the night and thought of you. I hope you are feeling much better when you read this.
Miss you, my friend, lots
*hugs*
Annie
Glad to hear you are getting some pain relief.
Alex
I hope you'll have a better night.
If thoughts could ease your pain, you would be well because there's a lot of people thinking of you and following you on this journey.
I was so hoping you wouldn't hit a 10.Hopefully, the 40 mg will give you relief, at least to be able to sleep. I am so grateful you still have time and engery to write because we need to be there with you in, if not in person in spirit, thought and prayer.
You are one remarkable person,Penny!
Fondly,
Helen
Penny said...
I find the writing very helpful and will continue as long as I can...
Thanks to all for your well wishes and prayers. The keep me whole.
*hugs*
Penny..
just wanted you to know... still praying for you. I think of you everday and hope you are comfortable and enjoying your grandbabies and family. If only good thoughts could make you feel better..:(
Praying still,
Rhonda
Hi Penny,
Just to let you know I'm thinking of you and I really hope you're not in so much pain anymore.
Anne
Hi Penny - hope that the pain has subsided or at least eased somewhat with the meds. Look forward to hearing from you.
Lotsa hugs and prayers.
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